I was completely prepared to write about something entirely different tonight, but as I sat down at the computer, I sneezed. I picked up a tissue and wiped my nose and felt this slippery substance all over my face and hands. You know that Armour All stuff that some people use to make their cars look new but makes everything slippery? Well that's how my face felt.Then, I sneezed again into the tissue. And again. And again. In fact I sneezed about 8 or 10 times using a new tissue each time. By this time, my face felt like I just pushed it in a jar of Crisco shortening. My hands were all oily and my neck started to itch. Then my throat closed up and my face turned red and blotched.
WHAT THE HELL IS ON THIS GADAM TISSUE?
"Lanolin", my wife said calmly as she watched me die slowly.
I THINK I'M (AHHHCHOOOOO) GADAM ALLERGIC TO LANOLIN! WHY THE HELL WOULD THE PUFF PEOPLE PUT THIS CRAP ON THE TISSUE?
"I donno dear"
HOLY (AHHHCHOOOOO) SOMINA (AHHHCHOOOOO) MUDDUNAMIA MINGA (AHHHCHOOOOO) WHAT THE FU......AHHHCHOOO!
"Bless you dear"
Usually I don't go in much for conspiracy theories, But first my cat was trying to kill me and now I think my wife is trying to kill me. She's been watching a lot of old Alfred Hitchcock movies and has been buying a ton of new products which contain poisons like Lanolin. She knows my skin is sensitive.
I just Googled it and GOOGLE says you can't die from too much lanolin.
ReplyDeleteBut! if Mrs Nukie starts making you lots of soup that smells funny, or starts offering you what looks like Eukanuba wet dog food, then I'd begin to wonder if she was tryin' to off ya. Until then stop being so 'sensitive'.
I hope Mrs. Nukie made sure that your life insurance is paid up. After you croak she can retire. Then she can take up as a rich widow & get a young, buff pool boy.
ReplyDeleteGood for her!
That shows how much you know NYM!
ReplyDeleteMrs. Nukie retired years ago ~ AND we already have a young, buff pool boy.
So there!
So now she's going for the "widow" status.
ReplyDeleteuhhhhmmm,
ReplyDeleteyou win.