Minuscule Bibbles

Lessons from and Ant

2007-06-04T12:26:00.000-07:00

Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted an Ant Farm. I thought that I would stare at it for hours at a time and watch the little guys build their nests and burrow tiny holes into the dirt in a myriad of little connecting tunnels.

From many National Geographic specials, I’ve learned that ants are the hardest workers on earth. They constantly build and maintain their nests with utmost perfection. They separate little rooms intended for certain items and care for their dead by burying them into the walls of the room for emergency food and warmth.

Well, my dream of owning an Ant Farm came true when I found an unopened one at a garage sale. It contained everything needed (including a postcard for a vial of Ants). I sent the postcard into the company and 8 – 10 weeks later the Ants arrived. I quickly opened the vial and dumped the ants into the farm.

A few days later, the Ants started to make a tunnel on the side of the farm. It wasn’t a nice picturesque tunnel that was shown on the outside of the box, but a messy, unorganized and unimpressive mass of chewings with no purpose or form. Not only that, but I noticed that although there were over 24 ants in the farm, only 3 or 4 were actually working. The other ants kind of stood around licking themselves or sleeping. I would come along and shake them up a little and they would move around a bit, but after I left the same lazy ants would stop working. I started to become annoyed. I thought that Ants were the hardest workers on earth! Instead, they reminded me of people that I work with!

I also noticed that there were these two Alpha-Males that appeared larger and more handsome than the others and one small cute ant. The Alpha – Male ants were always hanging around the cute little one. They offered her little pieces of a Ritz cracker and would show off in front of her by wrestling with each other.

The instruction manual suggested that I put a dropper full of water in the corner each day. When I did this, all of the ants (except the 3 working ants) came over and drank the water. The trouble is that they wouldn’t leave the water site. Hours later, they still were drinking the water and conversing with each other while the 3 real working ants continued to chew at their unorganized tunnel.

I guess I just expected too much. I had expectations that the Ants were a highly developed species that worked together for a common goal, but instead they were just a bunch of lazy, no good, greedy, self-gratifying insects.

Minuscule Bibbles 5

2007-05-29T11:13:00.000-07:00

Bibble 1 – My kids and I were involved in a parade over the weekend. They belong to a high school band that marched as I volunteered to pull the water wagon. The bandleader asked me to walk along the side next to 10 drummers. My ears are still ringing today. I don’t know how they do it. That’s probably why my kids don’t listen to us, they probably can’t hear anything because of band. I wouldn't normally pull a water wagon or be excited about, but given the importance both historically and passionately of this event I had to do it. How could I not participate in something as important as the 30^th anniversary of Star Wars.

Bibble 2 – Everyone at work got their haircut over the weekend except me.

Bibble 3 – I left for lunch about 30 minutes early today because I was starving. I always wondered if something happens to me and I die before lunch officially begins, if my company will honor their insurance policy or if there’s some kind of escape clause. On the way back I was stopped in the left lane waiting to turn and I saw this car literary barreling towards me. It didn’t look like there was any driver - but then I started to see a bluish gray head sticking about an inch above the driving wheel. I started to get really concerned that this old lady wasn’t going to stop so at the last minute I pushed on the gas pedal as hard as I could and I skidded away when the old lady finally peeked over the dashboard and slammed on her brakes. As I was driving away I saw the panicked look on her face as she gave me the finger.

In the News:

2007-05-25T11:05:00.000-07:00

Over breakfast, my wife reads the morning paper. If she finds something interesting, she often will tell me. Today, she read about a local man who was caught in the “bicycle path” rapes that happened over twenty years ago and was featured on AMERICA’S MOST WANTED. See the link, here:

http://www.amw.com/fugitives/brief.cfm?id=41726

Then we had the following conversation:

Wife: Sanchez not only committed the bicycle path rapes, but also raped a prostitute in 1987.

Nukie: How can you rape a prostitute? Isn’t that her job?

Wife: He tied her up and drove her to a wooded area and had sex with her.

Nukie: What’s the problem, didn’t he pay her?

Wife: You’re an Ass…………….

…………………………………

Wife: Here’s another strange story about a convict who just got out of prison. He went back home and raped his wife.

Nukie: How could it be rape if it was his wife?

Wife: Don't even start........

The Fate of the Worlds Smallest Dinosaur

2007-05-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

Do you remember those summer days when you were a kid and had nothing to do but swim? And when you were done swimming, you’d lay out in the sun and dry off and then go swimming again until your mother came out with hot dogs and Iced Tea? Well, It was one of those kind of days when my brother and I found the worlds smallest dinosaur.

It was a warm but breezy day and Wak and I just got out of the pool. We were waiting for Mom to bring us some Macaroni and Cheese and Watermelon when Wak looked at the concrete. He spotted an incredible thing. It was a dinosaur smaller than an ant. In fact smaller than one of those small brown ants.

The dinosaur was brownish black with a spiked vertebrae down it’s back. It was too small to hear the sound that it made, but I’m sure if you were an ant, it would have been very loud.

We watched the Dinosaur for quite a while. I’m not sure what my brother thought, but I dreamt of how to make money with it. Remember the Looney Toons cartoon where the bum finds the singing frog and takes it to Broadway? Well, I was going to sell it to some wealthy museum. I’m sure they would have paid through the nose for it.

Wak, thought that we should tell my mother about it for confirmation, so I went to the screened window and yelled for her. When I got back, the following happened in slow motion……..

I sat down next to the dinosaur, and I heard my mother open the outside door. She started walking towards us with a plate of Macaroni and Cheese in one hand and a plate of Watermelon in the other. As she walked towards us, a breeze came by and the Worlds Smallest Dinosaur was picked up and lost forever, along with my dreams of becoming rich. It was a cruel trick by mother nature and I will never forgive her for it.

Sabre Fever has Hit Buffalo

2007-05-17T06:42:00.000-07:00

Buffalo is a big Hockey town and the Sabres are the closest to winning the Stanley Cup as they have ever been in 32 years. Every place you go into has Sabre merchandise and / or team paraphernalia. There are signs everywhere… “Go Sabres” “4 MORE GAMES” and stuff like that.

The thing I find most interesting is that everyone has a belief that their actions are directly related to the win or loss of the Sabres. The theories are varied, but you can hear people say things like this:

The Sabres lose every time I watch the game
If I wear my lucky 1975 Sabres hat, they win!
I’ve had these socks on the entire playoff season and I’m not going to take them off.
I took public transportation instead of a taxi today and the Sabres Won!
Every time my Goiter gives me trouble the Sabres lose.
I made a deal with God, that if he lets the Sabres win the cup, I’d stop beating Estelle.
I don’t wipe the bird droppings off of my car, because the last time I did that, the Sabres lost.
I hope the Sabres don’t win the cup, because the last time they did, Ethel got pregnant.
I’m never able to ejaculate when the Sabres lose.

The Apple doesn't fall far...

2007-05-16T07:58:00.000-07:00

My father is a hard worker who was always a “do-it-yourself” type. I was the oldest male, so he would always ask me to help work on stuff with him. He was versatile with carpentry, mechanics, plumbing, masonry, and welding. One thing I always remembered is that he would breathe very heavily through his nose while he worked. I never really liked that.

When he got heavier (the same way that Marlon Brando got heavier) he would also sweat while he worked. First the sweat would start on his back and wet through his t-shirt. Then it would pool around his chest and then finally drip from his forehead. On hot humid days the sweat would drip off of his forehead like a dripping faucet.

He would cut a piece of wood and his forehead would drip all over it and then he would cut another piece of wood and his forehead would drip on that one. Once my brother and I helped him with something and I remember telling my brother to “shoot me if I ever ended up breathing heavy and dripping like my father”.

My father would also take this time to teach me the things I'll need to know for the rest of my life. When he finished a project, he would always say something like:

"That aint gonna go anywhere" or "Well, It aint Gadam perfect, but it'll keep your mother off my ass for a week or so."

The good thing that came out from all of this hard work was that I am able to fix almost anything. On any given week I will be taking apart the car or the washer, dishwasher, putting in a screen door, making a shelf, or fixing a deck.

My bother is very good at carpentry and construction too. In fact he helped me put together a pool deck about 8 or so years ago. It was a super hot day and I was sweating like a pig. My brother would tell me what length to cut the boards and I would cut them and hand them to him to nail up. I remember handing him a board that I just cut that was full of my sweat. He was disgusted and reminded me of what I told him years ago.

“Hey Nukie…..”

“What?”

He pointed his thumb and finger at me and said:

“Bang!”

Minuscule Bibbles 6

2007-05-12T05:55:00.000-07:00

Part 1 - Cha-Ching!

There’s an Aldi market down the street. In order to use a grocery cart, you have to insert a quarter into a locking mechanism near the handle and unlock the chain from the next cart in line. When you return the cart, you put the chain back into the lock and the quarter pops out.

I wait until someone is ready to bring back their cart and I say to them:

“Here, I’ll take that from you, I’ll give you this quarter”

9 times out of 10, they give me the cart without taking the quarter. The cheap bastards that do take the quarter are not taking me for a ride however…… I always give them a Canadian Quarter.

Part 2 – Cha-Ching!

I’ve been called cheap before. It’s not necessarily a compliment, but I do like to think that I’m thrifty. In these hard times when people are trying to rip you off everywhere and prices constantly are going up, you gotta protect yourself. So I save where I can.

For instance, I like to go to lunch everyday. There’s a variety of markets and deli’s around. One Deli charges $4.25 for a salad, offers free parking and you can take as many napkins and croûtons as you want. They are the “soft think” napkins too (Not like the scratchy ones from McDonald’s)

The other deli is about 7 Blocks away. The salad there costs $3.75, but you have to use the parking meter for $.25 and they charge $.50 for croûtons, not to mention that they only give you one (1) napkin. TALK ABOUT CHEAP!

So, Thrifty Nukie, drives to the first deli and parks, Walks down 7 blocks to the second deli and orders a salad, then walks back 7 blocks to the first Deli to go inside to get some soft napkins and croûtons then I pick up my car and drive back to work.

Thank God for Google

2007-05-09T11:16:00.000-07:00

In our office whenever somebody gets married has a kid or kicks off, somebody up fron send a card down for everyone to sign. Now, I may not be the most sympathetic person on the planet, but I have trouble writing anything other than my three initials “NJM”

Some people write “Sincere Wishes” or “Sorry for your loss” or something like that, but I can’t seem to write anything for someone I hardly know.

This time, I decided that I would just google “Sympathy Card Message” and grab the first thing that comes up and just write it down without thinking of it.

For those of you thinking about doing this, let me show you what comes up:

Please know our loving thoughts embrace you.
Please accept these flowers and hear the words we are not able to speak.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Thinking of you in these difficult times.
May the peace which comes from the memories of love shared comfort you now and in the days ahead.
Our hearts are filled with sorrow.
We're sharing your sorrow.
With deepest sympathy.
In loving memory.
With heartfelt condolences.
Fondest remembrances.
May you take comfort in knowing there is one more angel above us.
You are in our thoughts and prayers.

So…….. for all of you who have had family member recently croak…………

Please know our loving thoughts embrace you.

I like you just the way you are.

2007-05-08T13:07:00.000-07:00

Here’s a true story.

One time my friend, Darryl was going out with this mysterious girl. He wouldn’t tell my brother or me much about her except that she had a lot of energy and was a free spirit. This was in sharp contrast to Darryl who was kind of a stick in the mud. He stopped hanging around the boys and went out exclusively with Loni. This went on for months and every now and then we would hear word that they did these wild things like Parachute Jumping or they played hookie from work for two weeks and drove to New Mexico. They were inseparable.

Darryl was turning into a new man. His confidence level went up and he threw away all of his 1970 Disco clothes and bought a new wardrobe. Everything seemed so great for them; we thought for sure that they were going to get married.

Of course, life always throws a curve.

After 9 months of going out, Loni disappeared from his life. Darryl had no idea where she was or what had happened to her. He panicked and sought refuge with his long lost buddies, Nukie and Wakanuki.

We tried to help, but we didn’t have a clue what to do. So, we did the next best thing. Get drunk with him and let him slobber all over the bar as we threw darts and played pool.

A few days later, Loni showed up again. She explained to Darryl that she knew that things were getting very serious and it was time to take care of her prescription drug problem before they thought of getting married. She went to a clinic to get cleaned out.

Darryl never knew she was on drugs, but was happy to have her back in his life. After a few days, he started to notice that Loni wasn’t the same old Loni that he knew and loved. She was kind of lifeless and dull. Loni, on the other hand, never felt better. She could focus on her life and felt in control for the first time.

Needless to say, Darryl and Loni broke up a week after she got out of the clinic and Darryl got married to a former stripper.

Interview - by KimmyK

2007-05-05T05:41:00.000-07:00

Looking back at the life you had growing up and looking at the life your children have now-what's the one thing you wish your children could experience that you did when you were their age?

I would like them to experience the feeling of freedom that I had as a kid. Maybe they do, I hope so, but they are always being told to watch out for this evil or that evil and it can be overwhelming. I hope they have the chance to do something they will remember for the rest of their lives as being kind of fun and crazy, like hoping a train or driving to Chicago when they are 18.

If you were a woman what's the first thing you'd wanna do?

It depends. If I just woke up one day as a woman, then I’d spend most of the day examining my new body. But I don’t think that this was the intent of the question, because most men would answer it this way.

So, there really can be many answers for this question.

Go shopping – That’s what they all do, right?
Have a man pay for my dinner.
Tell my boyfriend that I just want to be friends.
Ask for a raise and play the “woman card”
Tell someone “I have PMS” just for fun.
Put on a short skirt and walk the mall.
Tell my boyfriend or husband that I’m pregnant.

What's the one thing that we'd be surprised to know about you?

I enjoy watching birds.

4) What's your favorite swear word? Explain.
Piss.

When I was a kid. My parents swore like truck drivers. My father would come home and say something like:

“Go pickup your Gadam bike” and everyone was a “Sominabitch” or a “Bastard”

I found it very repulsive and some words actually still hurt to hear. So I resolved to not swear. But I found that I needed a swear word for general things like hitting my hand with a hammer or telling people off. Piss is a general word that can be used for any occasion. So I adopted it.

5) If you had to associate a song with your life, what would it be?

Deacon Blues.

The meek shall inherit the earth

2007-05-01T16:01:00.000-07:00

Remember how you used to make fun of all the Nerds in high school? Well, they have the world by the balls now! Those little quiet dweebs have slowly taken over every facet of our technological lifestyle. Who would have guessed that they were planning this Coup d'etat all along.

First they developed their own language like the Mob or Jazz Musicians. I think it was called Basic, then COBOL and finally C++ then when Non-Nerds started to catch on to the language they would change it again and try to disguise the name to something like Java or Perl so you wouldn't recognize it.

These little clowns aren't stupid! Sure they look kind of weird. Maybe it's from eating only potato chips, pizza and diet Pepsi. But, they've been known to change their appearance too. Gone are they days that you can spot one of them by their plaid shirt buttoned to the neck and the black plastic glasses. They have contacts now, and usually wear a goatee'.

So, you ask..... "Nukie, is it really as bad as you say?"

Let me give you a perfect example of what they have done to our world. First they have made us completely dependent on computers. Then they slowly started to introduce passwords and networks and more passwords (for our own security). So you come in to work and boot up the machine. You put in your Novell password and wait. five minutes later you try to get on Lotus Mail and if your lucky you remember your password. If you make a few mistakes the network revokes your permission and you have to call the Nerd Hotline or Help Desk as they refer to it.

Here's a typical call.

Hello, help desk.

I forgot my password.

What's your sign in?

Nukie310

Password?

I forgot it.

Didn't you write it down on your calender like everyone else?

No.

Hmmmm. Okay, I'll reset it to Friday. But when you log in you'll have to change it.

Ok......................... It didn't work.

Try it again.

Ok........................ It didn't work.

Try it again.

Ok....................... Same thing.

Are you sure that you're using the word "Friday, F...R...I...D...A...Y"

Yeah.

Is the Caps Lock Key on?

No.

Try it again (snicker)

Ok...................... Same thing.

Oh, I see the problem. Try it again.

Ok..................... Nope.

Try it again (lol, snicker, snicker)

Ok..................... Listen, Bub. We're not getting anywhere here and my readers are starting to wonder if there's a punch line. Are you going to fix it or not?

Alright. I'll really fix it now. Try it again.

Ok..................... Yeah. It worked thanks.

(Click)

When I got off the phone, I tried to remember that all the time that this idiot wasted, I was being paid for and then I thanked God that I'm a nerd too or he would have really had fun with me.

Fool for a day.

2007-05-01T10:54:00.000-07:00

I’m not sure what’s worse….. Embarrassment, or Delayed Embarrassment. No one likes being the “fool”, but sometimes you don’t even know you were the fool for hours or days later and then when you realize it, you wonder how many people knew it.

For instance, I’ve always had an issue with my pants either being too long and having more folds than a Shar Pei dog or so short that I could walk across New Orleans without getting my cuff wet.

I remember one day in grade school, one of the kids said:

“Hey Nukie, you got some white strings hanging from your pants.” Then he told all the other kids and they started laughing at me.

It appeared that my mother never cut the four threads that hold the manufacturers tag on the back waist and the worst thing was that I couldn’t do anything about it until I got home. After I cut them off, I promised myself that this was the last time that this would ever happen to me.

Then about ten years ago, I went out to lunch and had a submarine sandwich and Cracker Jacks. I ate in my car in those days so I could avoid any socializing with people at work. When lunchtime was over, I went inside and was walking around the halls when one of the technicians said:

“Hey Nukie, You got a piece of popcorn stuck to your ass!” Since then, I stopped eating in the car but the curse did not stop.

Last week, I bought a new pair of Dockers. I made sure that I cut all of the little threads off and made sure that they weren’t too short or too long and finally wore them to work. Through out the day, many people would ask me:

“New pants, huh?” Yeah, I said and walked away. I wondered why so many people asked about my pants? Why did they even care? I must have had 50 people ask me if my pants were brand new.

When I got home, had dinner and cleaned up, we went to a school function for one of the kids. While I was there, I was sure that people were staring and talking about me. I couldn’t understand it. Then we went home and I tool off my pants and discovered the solution to the mystery. It appeared that I had left on the waist size sticker that they put on the pant leg and had walked around with it the entire day.

Issues

2007-04-30T18:42:00.000-07:00

My computer at home has issues. I can't get on any secure pages due to Time-Warner upgrades. I can only post from work for now. Luckily I have some stories in the queue. These will follow soon. In the meantime, here's a quickie.

Overheard in a Bar:

Middle-aged Man (to chick): You like this song?

Chick: Yeah, Coldplay is like my fav. Who's yours?

Middle-aged Man: I love Steely Dan. Do you know who they are?

Chick: Sure, My Dad listens to them.

Happy Secretary Day

2007-04-26T01:36:00.001-07:00

When I was a kid, there were Secretaries. There wasn't such a thing as Secretary Day, but there still were secretaries. You'd see them on TV mostly working for Doctors, Lawyers, or Private Eyes like Mannix or Columbo. They would do stuff like answer the phone, open the mail, take dictation, write letters, type, file stuff, find important documents that the boss would lose and sometimes even make coffee.

Then something happened. I think it was the early nineties. The name changed from Secretary to Administrative Assistant. They become younger, less professional, and started chewing gum. They stopped opening and sorting the mail, and didn't dictate, they would only type e-mail to their friends, they didn't know how to file – so they just shoved all the folders into drawers and they NEVER made coffee.

I've been in the office environment for about twenty five years and have actually met 2 real secretaries. They were older women who would proudly do all that I described earlier and even knew and used shorthand. They didn't consider making coffee demeaning and they considered personal calls unprofessional. They were very good at what they did. They would type a million words a minute, be able to format and margin a page, knew and used correct grammar, and could find documents that were filed ten years earlier.

Do you want to know why they could do all of these things? .....................It's simple, they went to a professional Secretary School or college.

In our Engineering department, we have about thirty guys. We don't have an Administrative Assistant and neither does out boss, but our boss's boss does. He's always out of town and doesn't know what she does, so he encourages us to give her work. One day I tried to give her some instructions to type, but she said she doesn't do that kind of work. Another time I asked for some files, but she didn't know where they were. Then once, I asked if she could bring my mail over to the Engineering department, but she said that if she did that, then all the other Engineers would want their mail and it was easier for her to just keep it in a pile for us to sort through.

Because I'm the curious type, I watched her for a day to see what an Administrative assistant did;

She came in around 10:00 am because she had to drive her kid to day care. Then she got a cup of coffee for herself and opened up her Yahoo e-mail account. After responding to her e-mails and sending out some e-cards to her friends she started to make some personal phone calls to other Administrative Assistants. Then when she got bored with that, she looked through the Avon catalog. Then the phone rang and it was one of her friends asking to go to lunch. She grabbed her really big purse (which I'm sure she needs for important documents) and headed off to lunch 30 minutes early. Around 1:20 she came back and found a post note on her desk from one of the Engineers asking for some staples. She threw out the post note and opened up a solitaire game because it was almost break time.

That was all I could take. Besides, I had to get back to my desk because I had to write an instruction sheet. All the Engineers write their own documents. We use the "Hunt and Peck" method and have no clue how to format a header or footer. It usually takes anyone of us a few hours to write a report and another hour or so to get it to look correct. The old secretary I talked about earlier could whip something like that together in 20 minutes. I'd like to wish all of the real Secretaries a Happy Secretaries Day!

The New York Lotto Conspiracy

2007-04-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

I have often asked people I come across these two questions:

Have you ever seen a UFO?
Have you ever won the Lotto for more than $10000?

The outcome has been as follows: I know 4 people (including myself) who have seen a UFO. And I know ZERO people who have won the Lotto.

Now, this kind of makes you think. You can logically come up with three conclusions from this Data.

The odds of winning the Lotto are higher than seeing a UFO.
Lotto Winners don’t exist.
Or, there is a comprehensive conspiracy to hush up Lotto winners.

I believe in the last conclusion. And I’ll prove it with a true family story.

In 1972, my aunt won $2,500 from a scratch off lottery ticket. Now, back then this was a lot of money. She could have gone out and bought either a Chevy Vega, or AMC Gremlin with her winnings. She started telling the family that she won, and then the next day, a strange man in a black pin stripe suit visited her. He had a brief case and dark sunglasses. After he left, my grandmother gave her a call to see what he wanted and my Aunt wouldn’t tell her. She wouldn’t say a word and she started to develop a nervous tick.

She went from being “Lotta Bucks Lola” to “Nervous Tick Lola”. All this because of a couple of lousy bucks.

About two years after this, my mother and I were walking into Twin Fair department store. It was near sunset and the sun was behind our backs. My mother parked far away because she didn’t want any of the carts to hit her car. As we were walking towards the store a bright circular object appeared in the sky and zipped around in straight angular lines. It went back and forth SUPER fast. It also made these severe acute angles and then a few seconds later it zipped away like George Jetson.

I asked my mother if she saw it and she agreed that it was a UFO. I started to tell a few people and they looked at me weird, so I stopped telling people. But the point of this story, is that the Man in the Pin Striped Suit never showed up.

So, I ask you…… Have any of you ever seen a UFO, or Won the Lotto?

What have you got floating in your eyes?

2007-04-18T18:07:00.000-07:00

I have to be careful not to upset anyone. I don't like being called a "hateful ass" that really hurts. It probably doesn't hurt as much as an old person falling and severly cracking old brittle bones, but it still hurts.

Today the topic is "Floaters" These are what I call the little ameba looking things that float around your eyes. You know those things that look like DNA or something? What are they? Does anyone else have these things?

You can normally see them if you squint your eyes near sunlight. They look like they have cells and clear connective tissue, but it's not sperm or anything. (Opps, maybe I shouldn't have said the Sperm word... Oh well, too late)

I tried to find a picture on the web so you know what I'm talking about. I could not find anything relating to what I mean. This webstie explains some kind of weird eye condition.
I'm not talking about these things. The things I see are squiggly and you can focus on the individual cells.

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

I always can tell.....

2007-04-17T19:20:00.000-07:00

..... when I may have gone a little overboard with a post. There's a dead silence. Even in Cyberspace (if that place still exists) it's silent. So silent that it's deafening. It tells me:

"Nukie, You shouldn't have said the "Tard" word. People get offended. People may have tards in their family. And you shouldn't say the "Homo" word either. People have Homos in their family too, and some of them are out of the closet."

That's what the guy on my shoulder says....... Then I feel remorse and think "Should I delete the Tard post or the Homo post?" I just don't know. I'm not sorry, I just go a little too far. Hey we all do it, right?

So I guess, I have to post a few politically correct blogs for a while and not mention that I'm really sick of hearing about the Virginia Tech killings or I shouldn't mention that I really do like when I see old people fall, or maybe I shouldn't mention that I really am a liberal. Okay, maybe a Suburban Liberal.

Minuscule Manicure

2007-04-13T09:22:00.000-07:00

(Note: This was written last week in a fit of fevered dementia - I am not responsible for anything that I wrote)

I caught the flu Wednesday. I had a temp of 102 degrees and have been in bed ever since. I can't remember the thing about feeding a fever or starving a fever and feeding a cold but I haven't eaten any solid food in days.

My nights consist of coughing up little brownish green phlegm boogies and rolling around the bed trying to get comfortable. I drink plenty of fluids so every couple of hours I crawl to the bathroom to take a leak.

My days consist of watching TV for a couple of hours, sleeping, surfing the web, sneezing and wiping my nose on the bed sheets.

All of this sounds very normal and mundane, right? It is...... Except that I noticed today that I've been biting my nails. I bit them so much that they are just little tiny specks just above my cuticles. I look like a Tard.

You know how a Tard always has his fingernails super short? I think their mother does it so they don't hurt themselves. I think they probably get the "tard discount" for a quick "remove your fingernails manicure" and a "Bowl haircut" It probably cost mom about $5 bucks for both.

I don't really feel like a Tard, I just look like one. I need some eyeglasses, so I'm thinking about getting the Tard glasses as well. They're in fashion now.

I better get back to bed..... My brain hurts.

Big Boy

2007-04-12T12:23:00.000-07:00

It was my daughters 15^th birthday last night. She wanted to go to Fridays for dinner so we did. During the meal, I went to the men’s room to get away for a little while. When I walked into the room, one of my worst fears came true.

There were only two urinals…… A big boys and a Little Boys. There was already someone standing at the Big Boy Urinal, so I had to go to the Little Boy Urinal. You have no idea how I hate the Little Boy Urinal.

Anyways, a few seconds later the guy next to me finished up and left. I was “Unzipped” but hadn’t started taking a leak yet because of the trauma of the Little Boy Urinal. I came up with a brilliant plan to slide over to the Big Boy Urinal. As soon as I started to move a shrimpy guy walks in and cuts me off.

I was fuming!!!!!

Not only was my plan foiled, but it was nixed by some little Munchkin! What right did he have to even use the Big Boy Urinal?

I couldn’t stand it any longer. So I talked to the Lollipop Kid.

“Hey Bud…..I’ll tell ya what….. How about you and I switch places? I mean look at the ridiculousness of this situation….... I’m trying to take a leak with a urinal down at my ankles and you gotta stand on your tippytoes just to reach the lip of the Big Boy Urinal!”

I think Shrimpy took it pretty good. He turned towards me and gave me a dirty look and left. So I slide down and finished my business. That’s when I realized that he was still pissing as he was talking to me and that my leg was all wet. I have to admit that I was a little embarrassed, so when I went back to the table I told the waiter that the sink in the bathroom has a leak and he should take $10.00 off the bill.

Never argue with a logical person.

2007-04-04T06:50:00.000-07:00

My son is extremely logical. He thinks in black and white terms because in his head, if it’s not one thing then it must be the opposite.

Because of this, it’s hard sometimes to rationalize with him. We get into slight arguments over the stupidest subjects because he is logical and I’m very anal. So it’s very important for me to get things “straight” while it’s important for him to win his case and be right.

For example, recently I’ve been giving him Flintstone vitamins. He used to ask for all of the Fred Flintstones. I didn’t think much of it, so I just kept giving him one Fred a day. Until the Freds ran out. Then the next day, I took out the vitamins and gave him a Barney. He said he didn’t like Barneys.

Nukie: “What do you mean, you don’t like Barneys? They taste the same as the Freds.”

Son: “No they don’t, they are a different shape”

Nukie: “But they shape doesn’t make them taste any differently”

Son: Of course they taste different. Let’s say that you eat a purple Fred. It’s going to taste a certain way right?

Nukie: Right.

Son: Sure, now what would be the sense in the vitamin company making a purple Barney if they taste exactly the same as the Freds? That would be stupid!

Nukie: I guess your right, when you explain it that way.

An original Nukie Joke

2007-04-03T05:28:00.000-07:00

Joe and his wife Ethel bought a new Stove and Mattress set and were having them delivered on the same day so Ethel wouldn’t miss too much work. Before Joe left for work, he told Ethel;

“Try out the new Stove while the delivery men are still here. Remember the last time we had an appliance delivered? The refrigerator didn’t work and we had to wait a week for a new one.”

Later that afternoon Joe called his home to see if everything went well.

“How’d it go?” Joe asked his wife.

“Well” said Ethel, “I got confused after you left, but the good news is that the bed works great!”

LOLOLOLOL

2007-04-01T19:42:00.000-07:00

Oh, man did I have all of you guys scared!
LOL, boy the jokes on you....
Nukie can't stay away.
April Fool's Day!

Regrets - I've had a few.

2007-04-01T08:12:00.000-07:00

This is my 200th post for Minuscule Bibbles. Minuscule Thoughts I lasted a little over 200 and Minuscule Thoughts II lasted about 100 posts. That means that I have bibbled about 500 times.

Some of these bibbles have been risque', some have been funny, some have been disappointing or understood and some have been stupid.

I wrote for myself most of the time and enjoyed the posts that have made me laugh out loud while I was writing them.

I have to regretfully say that this will be my last post forever.

It's been fun.

Have a great life.

Back by popular Demand - Sex Talk

2007-03-31T14:54:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was a pre-pubescent youth of about 10 or so. My family used to have holiday parties at my grandmothers house (which was upstairs). My grandmother was an Italian immigrant who I don't think ever had sex. But she could swear really really well in broken English. Whenever she got pissed she'd get out the wooden spoon and chase me while calling me a Minga Fatch - or Prick Face.

I kind of liked that name until I found out what it meant years later. Anyways, I was saying that we used to have holiday parties upstairs in our double house. Most of my Aunts and Uncles from my mothers side would get together and drink some wine or mixed drinks, watch Guy Lombardo and talk about Sex.

The Sex they talked about was always a Double Entendre' or they tried to hide the fact that they were talking about sex. I used to record these conversations very concisely on paper or in my mind so I could decider what they were saying when I got old enough to know.

My Uncle John would start out by talking to his brother, Alphonse and say something like this:

Do you remember that girl you dated from the west side? What was her name?

Labia

That's right, Labia Clitatello She lived on Bush street, didn't she?

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, I remember her now.... Labia... She had the best lips I've ever seen. Did you ever kiss Labia's Lips Al?

(At this point my aunts would be hitting my uncles with the bread loaves and laughing like hyenas)

Labia, yeah she had nice lips, but she had a coupla nice friends too remember?

You mean, Lulu Palookas and her twin sister Yabbo?

They had those Big Brown Eyes, right?

Yeah, and they always had Milk Jugs hanging around the side of the house.

And her father used to have that fruit stand.

Oh, yeah, he would sell, Tomatoes, Papayas, Oranges, Mangoes, Melons, Peaches, Potatos, and Watermelons.

And Yams, don't forget about the Yams.

They lived in the Hills, right?

I thought they were mountains.

I swear, I'm not lying

2007-03-31T06:52:00.000-07:00

My wife called me at work last week to tell me that my sons cell phone had gone through the wash. “Well, I said. “This is why we paid for the insurance” In fact we have been paying an extra $5.00 a month for the insurance for 9 months now. When you combine it with the $50 deductible it comes out “a wash” Ha, Ha…. A wash, get it?

Anyways, She started going through the process of filing a claim and was told by someone that water damage was not included. My solution was to claim it as “lost”. “Can we do that?….It wasn’t lost. That’s insurance fraud.” My wife stated.

Now, “Fraud” is a strong word, and it all depends on your interpretation of the word. Besides, Italians created insurance fraud and made a good living off of it. The usual justifications for this is something like:

The insurance company is loaded, or They screw people all the time, or Whadayoumean fraud? We take the phone for a walk and we lose it, see? No fraud!

So anyways, I get home and take his phone for a little walk. I drop it a few times, throw it against a tree, step on it, and finally run over it with my car. Then I shove it in some bushes for safe keeping.

Then I come home and tell my wife.

Wait a few days until the heat blows off and we will file a claim. So, I go to the phone store and fill out a form that says that I’m not filing a fraudulent claim, then another form that says that I’m not lying about the first form, and then I have to get the “lost item” form notarized.

If you don’t know what that means, It’s when you swear to a complete stranger that the statements you made were true.

(Now, stop for a moment….. Think about this……. If a person is going to lie on an insurance form, don’t you think they are going to lie to a complete stranger that sits behind a bank desk with a little stamp that says “NOTARY”?)

I realize that this blog post may be a confession of sorts, but if any of you blow me in, I’ll just tell them that I lied to make the story seem more interesting. And I’ll swear to it too!

2007-03-29T05:01:00.000-07:00

Blogging can be difficult. Sometimes you have a great idea, but you don’t have time to write it down, so you scribble something on an envelope that you think you’ll remember later on.

I have these notes all over the place. They say things like:

Picky eater
Regrets saying to mother
When Oscar met Sally
Bread, Milk and Eggs
Remember to buy wine tonight

Sometimes I can’t tell if they were meant to be blog posts or grocery lists. The one that really bothers me is “Regrets saying to mother” because it was a true story about the next-door neighbors. One of the kids just started dating. He was full of hormones and (rightfully) out of his mind at the time when he had an argument with his mother.

He told her:

“I don’t love you anymore….I love Vicky!”

Now, that was just plain stupid. I recognized it as stupid the first time I heard it at 12 years old. You just don’t say stuff like that to your mother. Chances are your mother is going to outlive the relationship with Vicky.

When I thought of this story, I thought of all of the things I regret saying to my mother, and they really were rather tame in comparison.

This is where the story falls apart……. I can’t remember the things I told her that I regret. If I had written them down instead of things like the above, then maybe I would have a better ending to this post. But I didn’t.

They make these voice recorders that you can record your idea’s on. I think they used to call them Dictaphones in the 1940’s.

Well, if anyone’s interested, here’s a few links to a voice recorder (the Olympus is on sale):

Now I wish I could remember what “When Oscar met Sally” was about.

You're Off MY Blogroll!

2007-03-27T17:52:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of being cold hearted

I have taken (2) peeps off of my blogroll.

Hamrose hasn't written in 3 months, so sister or no sister, she's OFF!

Also, Maggie Mason of Mighty Girl is also OFF because I hate her site. I don't even know why I had it in the first place. But I can't stand the site of it. DOn't ever go there. Don't click on the last link of her site either because I changed it.

I'm funniless today

2007-03-26T18:50:00.000-07:00

I can't think of a thing to write about. Now I know how everyone on my blogroll feels. So I decided to publish a comment that my brother wrote to me because he couldn't get a hold of me at work. Here it is:

- I called your work - but no answer... This might be important. We are giving away some of our coats , that we will not likely ever wear, to charity. As I went through the closet, I picked one out that I would never where. As you know, I don't like to wear black. It reminds me too much of Johnny Cash. Not that I don't like his music, but too much black. Anyway, after I stuffed it in the bag to give away - I thought - I don't think that was my coat. Are you missing a black coat with a suede collar ?
Now first of all, I want everyone to know that I don't need a coat, or a jacket. I have a very nice black suede jacket that fits perfectly and I look super cool in it. I used to have a different black suede jacket that was made in Italy. It was double-breasted and I was the hottest guy on earth when I wore it. A virtual chick magnet.

I wish I had that jacket today. I could use it.

(Editors note: The jacket portrayed above is not my original "Hottest Guy on Earth Jacket" but it's kind of similar......I had a killer waist, then)

Ahhhchooooo

2007-03-24T19:18:00.000-07:00

I was completely prepared to write about something entirely different tonight, but as I sat down at the computer, I sneezed. I picked up a tissue and wiped my nose and felt this slippery substance all over my face and hands. You know that Armour All stuff that some people use to make their cars look new but makes everything slippery? Well that's how my face felt.

Then, I sneezed again into the tissue. And again. And again. In fact I sneezed about 8 or 10 times using a new tissue each time. By this time, my face felt like I just pushed it in a jar of Crisco shortening. My hands were all oily and my neck started to itch. Then my throat closed up and my face turned red and blotched.

WHAT THE HELL IS ON THIS GADAM TISSUE?

"Lanolin", my wife said calmly as she watched me die slowly.

I THINK I'M (AHHHCHOOOOO) GADAM ALLERGIC TO LANOLIN! WHY THE HELL WOULD THE PUFF PEOPLE PUT THIS CRAP ON THE TISSUE?

"I donno dear"

HOLY (AHHHCHOOOOO) SOMINA (AHHHCHOOOOO) MUDDUNAMIA MINGA (AHHHCHOOOOO) WHAT THE FU......AHHHCHOOO!

"Bless you dear"

Usually I don't go in much for conspiracy theories, But first my cat was trying to kill me and now I think my wife is trying to kill me. She's been watching a lot of old Alfred Hitchcock movies and has been buying a ton of new products which contain poisons like Lanolin. She knows my skin is sensitive.

Credit Union Bibbles

2007-03-21T11:58:00.000-07:00

Our Credit Union has a home banking feature that is run by one of the credit union workers. The woman that runs the web page is a divorced mother of three with a severe chip on her shoulder. He ex-husband worked down the road from the credit union and sometimes would stop in to see his wife. In fact sometimes he would stop in when she wasn't working. He always got along with all of the other ladies in the CU and sometimes would take one or two of them out for lunch.

Well, One of these lunches lasted too long. In fact it lasted about 3 weeks when the CU got a postcard from Rio. It probably wasn't a good idea to send the postcard to everyone in the CU with the words:

"Having fun in the sun with my little Bun and thinking of all of you - with a "special" hello to Rita."

Rita, didn't take kindly to being publicly humiliated, and you could tell that this really set her back. At first her demeanor changed in slight and subtle ways. She stopped selling candy bars for charity. Then she stopped handing out pocket calendars to patrons. After a few weeks, she became withdrawn and the security words that allowed you to get on the home banking website started to become jaded and misandric.

Every time I visited the Home banking site, I would have to type in security words such as:

Cheat
Suspicious
Infidelity
Divorce Lawyer
Alimony
Visitation rights
Creep
Pathological

I started to get paranoid. I wondered if I was the only one who was getting these words, but I was afraid to ask anyone else at work.

Finally, Rita had a breakdown at the Credit Union Christmas party. It appears that her former husband had sent everyone but her one of those pens with a picture on them. It had his new girlfriend and himself near the top and when you tip it upside down the ink covering their naked bodies would run down and show both of them fully exposed lying on a beach.

Rita exploded and tore one of the pens from a co-workers hand and started to stab her with it. The black ink unfortunately caused a horrible eczema condition on the poor victims arm and Rita was subsequently fired from her job and was sued.

The only good news in this terrible tragety was that the security words eventually went back to typical words like:

Freelance
Potato
Artistic
Jumpsuit
Dollar

Minuscule Diogenes

2007-03-20T12:30:00.000-07:00

The worst thing that can happen to a Man is castration. Not only does it leave him feeling as though he lost the best friend he has ever had, but also it makes him lose interest in life, makes him feel effeminate, weak, and worthless. Everything he's lived for is gone, and he bumbles on his way confused and bewildered.

When I was a boy of about 12, I asked my mother for a stick of chewing gum. She always carried Doublemint gum or Cinnamon and although it wasn’t my favorite, I didn’t want to go to the Smoke Shop down the street for chiclets.

Mom? Can I have a stick of gum?

Sure, Go in my purse and take a piece.

This sounded reasonable at the time. I know that my mother always had a lot of stuff in her purse and she would always take a piece of gum out of her purse on the way to church or a funeral or a wedding.

I tried to look down into her purse, but couldn’t see anything for it was too dark without a flashlight. So, I rummaged through, feeling around. I felt some keys, a little booklet, some lipstick, rouge, an eyelash curler, mascara, a hairnet, some nylons, a whistle, a curling iron, 40 or so credit cards, a checkbook, Rolaids, another set of keys, an S&H greenstamp book, a Woolworths receipt, grocery list, pair of scissors, about 16 dollars worth of coins, a bank calendar, 5 pens, a roll of tape, paperclips, and a writing pad, but I couldn’t find gum.

Everything in the purse had this Perfume / Peppermint mixed smell to it so I thought I was close to the gum everytime I pulled something out of it. The whole episode was horrible. I felt effeminate, weak, and alone and I blocked the entire episode out of my mind……

Until last night……….Yesterday, I asked my wife for some Tic Tacs.

Dear? Do you have any Tic Tacs?

Sure, Go in my purse and take some.

I don’t think so. I won’t go through that again, not for anything in the world! I’d rather be castrated!

Minuscule Bibbles Comments

2007-03-19T15:47:00.000-07:00

One of the best things for me about having a blog is the comments that come from long time readers. After a while they feel comfortable with you (even if you've never met them) and they tend to type whatever come to mind.

For example, these comments all come from one person specifically:

You a closet weirdo or what?

.....you douche. Now stop avoiding the question.

Oh you piss me sometimes.....you can't possibly be that much of a 'tard to think that way.

You should be ashamed of yourself Nukie.

Do you like lay in bed and think of this shit? What the hell is the matter with you???

Well duh! You're a man.

Are you a geek or a dork?

I knew you were a whacker.

You are such a tool.

I think that's enough really.

You're right KimmyK, that's enough really. However, I do want to thank you for reminding me of a post on PMS that I've been meaning to write.

Nukie

2007-03-18T10:43:00.000-07:00

I did a random search for "Nukie" and found out some really disturbing news.

It appears that "Nukie" was a film in 1993. Not only was it a film, but according to IMDB it was the worst film to ever be put on celuliod. See the next two links:

Link

Link

This is a quote from IMDB:

Through the years i managed to watch most of the movies in the bottom 50 IMDb and i can only say this, "Nukie" beats them all. This movie makes "Manos - The hands of fate" look like "Citizen Kane" by comparison.

I am in fact puzzled how someone DARED to actually film this! I mean... c'mon people! Didn't you realize what an utter piece of garbage this was when you made it? No words can describe how bad this movie is... it has to be seen to be believed.

But make no mistake, encourage you to watch this movie, in fact that is a MUST. How else can you judge other movies if you lack the base standard unit in "retardness" to compare other movies to?

I'm disturbed. If I would have known this, I would never have picked Nukie as a nickname. I would have picked something much cooler like:

Peggles, Coalmine, Wiggleman, Quixter, Fester or Cool Breeze.

I actually knew a guy nicknamed Cool Breeze about 15 years ago. He was a maintenance guy at work. He was a few years from retirement but the entire time that he worked there, he did less than nothing. He just walked around and drank coffee and never talked to anyone. Whenever he had a job to do, the supervisor would set him up with someone else so the job would get done as the other guy did the work, Cool Breeze just stood around.

Looking back, I wish I would have picked "Cool Breeze" instead of Nukie just for the "idol factor".

Nukie's Tips for Singles Dating

2007-03-17T15:06:00.000-07:00

When you look at the last few pages of any local alternative paper, You see tons of ads for dating services that provide voice mailboxes and things. Now, I've never called one of these, but that doesn't stop me for one second from giving sound and proven advice.

The first rule is:

If the ad shows an ugly chick or a gross guy........... Don't call them.

Look at it this way: If you were a proprietor of a deli or a fish stand. Wouldn't you put the best looking salami stick or fish head in the front window? Sure you would!

Secondly, There's a lot of ads for "same sex" hook ups". I don't think there's anything wrong with these, but I just have to wonder out loud:

Why do they call themselves "Partners" What are they? Crimefighters like Batman and Robin?

and why do they have to use dating services anyways? There's same sex people all over the place (notice that I didn't use the word "homo's" this time as I have been accused of being homophobic and degrading)

Anyways, I was saying that you can find these people all over the place. They usually hangout in Antique stores, Art Galleries, Borders, Theaters showing musicals, and coffee houses. And they really aren't very fussy anyways, so you should just be able to walk up to most anyone.

And if you happen to be a female same sex person, then try hanging out at the local Tattoo parlor or biker bar.

A Strange Happenstance

2007-03-13T17:26:00.000-07:00

Every Christmas and celebration of my Birthday my parents give me a couple of shirts. The shirts they give me are always out of style, made of materials such as Velour and are always out of season. (sort of like they were bought 6 months ago or possibly 6 years ago I'm not so sure) Anyways, they never give these shirts to my brother, just me.

My father usually feels bad and slides me a $50 or so on the side, kind of to make up for the lousy shirt.

Now, I bring this up for one reason: I have always wondered where they find these shirts and why they only give them to me.

Tonight, I had to go to K-mart to buy my daughter some feminine products. I passed by the men's department on the way in and passed an entire rack full of Velour shirts on clearance. I think they were marked down to 3 bucks.

I chuckled and headed for the Feminine Products department. I spend about fifteen minutes trying to decide between Super Flow, Heavy Flow, Normal Flow, Lite Flow and No Flow and understanding the difference between Pearl, Power Glide, and Smooth and Silky. I know that if I was buying an automobile transmission, I would've gotten the Super Flow Power Glide version.

So, after all that, I head to the cash registers and I hear a very recognizable voice. I looked over and saw my mother and father searching through the shirt rack. They didn't see me, so I hid behind a wall so I can eavesdrop.

Mom: These are perfect for Nukie! Do you remember when we took him to get a picture taken when he was an infant and the photographer put his nakid butt on that velvet rug?

Dad: Uhhh huhhh....

Mom: He got his first erection!

Dad: Uhhh huhhh......

Mom: I'm going to get six or seven of these for up and coming presents.

Dad: Uhhh huhhh......

Mom: They are getting harder and harder to find.

Dad: Uhhh huhhh..... Why don't you get some of these gadam ugly shirts for Wakanuki?

Mom: No..... He doesn't like them. Besides, he got his first erection from touching pudding.

2007-03-12T08:17:00.000-07:00

My dumb cat wakes me up every single night at 5:00 am. I usually just kick him off the bed and go back to sleep. Last night he woke me up at 4:00 am. You know what that means?

He forgot to change his clock.

The Truth about Hamrose (sort of)

2007-03-11T11:18:00.000-07:00

My sister has been known to have PMS. Now, I don't know this first hand, but I've heard that people with PMS sometimes make irrational decisions when they are in the midst of PMSing.

Anyways, one day a few months back, Hamrose was sitting around the house with her two kids and the kids started fighting with one another over the computer. My sister got the PMS rage look in her eyes and started to smash the computer. She then threw the kids outside to play in the snow.

A few minutes later, she heard the kids fighting again. They were pushing and throwing snowballs at each other. Hamrose knew she couldn't get rid of all the snow, so instead she brought the kids back in the house and locked the door and threw the key out of the window. She told her kids to "read a book or something" as she tossed a few copies of "The Bell Jar" at them.

Soon afterward, she heard the kids fighting again. This time it was over the lamp.
I want the lamp to face my book! I want the lamp to face mine! They yelled. Hamrose pulled every lamp cord in the house out of the wall and cut the ends off with scissors.
"Now both of you can eat dinner in the dark! As she placed two boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese on the stove. "And this time don't overcook the noodles!"

Not seven minutes later, the kids were at it again. They fought over how much milk and butter to add, they fought over the temperature of the stove element. Hamrose had enough, she took every last bit of food in the house and threw the bag out of the window with the house keys. "You can all starve in the dark, as far as I'm concerned!"

Last week, the coroners report was sad, but at least it was accurate.

Driver pays for gasoline, forgets to pump it

2007-03-09T08:40:00.000-08:00

Jamestown - A Jamestown man who drove off after paying for gasoline he apparently forgot to pump returned to the gas station Thursday with the 10-foot hose and nozzle he dragged away, Jamestown police reported.

Al Chan, 43, was not charged in the incident that occurred at about 7 p.m. at the Yellow Goose convenient store on West Third Street. Chan inserted the nozzle first before he was about to prepay for gas. He went inside the store, paid $5 and then returned to his car and drove off without pumping the gas, police said.

Chan returned a few minutes later and told the clerk what happened. The gas was shut off to the pumps and Jamestown fire and police responded.

The damaged hose was being repaired late Thursday. Chan was refunded the $5 for the gas he did not get.

IM

2007-03-08T10:01:00.000-08:00

We have this instant chat service as part of our (lousy) Lotus E-mail. I try to use it whenever I don’t want to actually talk or see anyone. E-mail is okay, but it’s not as instant as the old days. As part of my job, I design tools. (You should know this or you won’t understand the rest.)

So, I gave a tool drawing to a draftsman yesterday and I didn’t get a print back to check as of noon today. So, I sent him an instant message:

Nukie: Iszkievich!

Draftsman: Say what?!

Nukie: Where’s my tool?

(long pause)

Draftsman: In your pa….. (oops) I mean, on my desk. When do you need it?

Nukie: Yesterday!!

Draftsman: I’ll see what I can do.

Nukie: Thanks.

Draftsman: NP DH.

What you don’t see from this efficient and practical method of getting something done is the fact that:

The draftsman works 15 feet away from me.
I was laughing my head off when I asked him where my tool was.
I didn’t have to have any human contact in any way to get what I needed.
I couldn’t hear him whisper (dickhead) under his breath.
That Instant Messaging has made the office a much more professional atmosphere.

Nukie's Remorse

2007-03-06T18:35:00.000-08:00

I was explaining to my wife how much effort it takes to blog with intelligence and humor and she started to give me an attitude.

Nukie: Did you read my last post? Wasn't it great?

Wife: What was so great about it? You only write that stuff for effect.

Nukie: What do you mean? Are you kidding? I put a lot of effort into what I write! I try to come up with interesting and varied topics that span the horizons of my brain to entertain and enlighten my loyal readers.

Wife: What "brain"?...... What "Loyal Readers"? NYM, KimmyK, Paige Von Liber and DJN? You write inflammatory things so you can get them worked up. You do it for the female attention!

Nukie: Well.... That shows how much you know!!!! I have a male reader too. Roger! And he even sometimes comments if I write about old movies or 80's music. Don't you at least think that it's entertaining?

Wife: No.

Nukie: What?

Wife: I said "No"

Nukie: You don't know what your talking about. I guess you just gotta have a blog to understand how good mine is.

Wife: You follow a routine, a recipe. One day, you'll listen to the news and grab onto a stupid idea, another day, you'll go over to your father's house and remember what he says, and another day you'll pretend that you're this big male chauvinist to irk up the ladies.

Nukie: I take offense to that last statement..... They don't like to be called ladies.

News by Nukie

2007-03-05T09:32:00.000-08:00

The news was full of bizarre and interesting stories today. First off, there’s the above ad by Dolce’ and Gabanna that’s getting a lot of heat from the feminists out there. Now, I don’t want to get involved in any debate just because some bra burning activists don’t like the subliminal message that they think this ad is portraying. I don’t really see it as a gang rape kind of thing. Let’s face it - she looks like she’s enjoying it, and I bet that if any woman was really being held down by this hunky nubile strappy young man and his playful cohorts, that she wouldn’t complain either.

In other news, Peter Frampton was rescued last night by law enforcement agencies in Buterford, CT. He was being held against his will in an elderly ladies attic. Apparently she had gotten the idea from the Steven King movie “Misery” where Cathy Bates holds James Caan hostage. I didn’t understand how she got Peter into her attic in the first place, but he was quoted as saying that the woman forced him to tell her over and over again how he can see the sunset in her eyes and that he wants to be with her night and day.

Cool Hand Nukie

2007-03-01T17:06:00.000-08:00

Cool Hand Luke is the ultimate guys' movie. I saw it in film class where they explain the differences between "Man against Man, Man against Nature, and Man against Himself" The truth is that Cool Hand Luke is none of these. It's REALLY "Woman against Man".

Let me explain:

You know when your wife "asks" you to mow the lawn? Or tells you "nicely" that the driveway needs to be shoveled and that she is afraid that she is going to fall and break her ankle? And all of a sudden you picture her in bed with a margarita and the TV remote while you have to make dinner and pick up the kids? So you immediately run outside with an ice pick and the shovel?

And then when you get done with that job, you come inside the house and she "notifies" you that the car needs a "quick tuneup" and she's afraid that she'll break down on the thruway?

So you put a few spark plugs in the car and finish up quickly so you can watch "The Man Show" when she "informs" you that the washing machine has been squeaking lately and she's afraid that you need to either fix it or go to the Laundromat with the 8 loads of laundry that has piled up over the weekend.

These events can be compared to the Grave Digging scene in Cool Hand Luke. The Boss man has Luke digging and filling in a 6 foot deep grave until he's too tired to move. He tries to break Luke's spirit with physical and mental torture.

Just imagine if an "unbroken man" tries to stand up for his God given entitlements and says something to his wife, like this:

"Dear, why don't I look at the Washing Machine later when the parts store is open?"

What do you suppose she says as she beats you down with a riot club?

"What we have here is failure to communicate"

Now, I don't mean to imply that all women do this. Of course, my wife doesn't do this, But just ask Wakanuki. Is it a coincidence that one of his favorite movies is Cool Hand Luke? Is it also a coincidence that Wakanuki escaped the fate of a broken man the way that Luke eventually escaped his cruel punishment?

I don't know, But I do know that Cool Hand Luke is a movie for us guys to remember so we don't end up digging ditches in the sweltering heat with the boss man picking who gets the water and who goes without.

Most of you won't understand what this post is about

2007-02-27T15:19:00.000-08:00

1) Everytime I go somewhere I scope out my surroundings and wonder why there's so many frightening looking people.

2) I clean my butt everyday with Diaper wipes. Obviously not enough because my wife sleeps far away from me. Once I used Clorox wipes and my butt stung for hours afterward.

3) I'm a chronic worrier. Like give me a situation and somehow I'll visualize all these bad things happening. (me too)

4) I pluck my nose hairs at least three times a week. I don't want someone looking at me being distracted by my nose.

5) I buy wine and drink it by myself. Mrs. Nukie just figured out all the wine bottles sitting around the kitchen are empty.

6) I can tell when my children are sick because they smell.

7) I hate having emails in my inbox, sent, or trash bin. I read and delete. Mrs. Nukie has THOUSANDS of emails in his inbox that she doesn't read and it drives me insane. She has me check her email just to see the expression on my face when I open it and it says "Inbox 2,438".

8) As much as I want to be more Macho I just can't be. I feel weird in Chaps and GOD forbid a thong. I feel best when I'm wearing Boxers and brown tube socks.

9) Everyday I stand in the mirror and stare at my boobs.

10) I love cemeteries (too).

I hate this commercial

2007-02-25T19:43:00.000-08:00

You know that anti-smoking commercial "You don't always die from tobacco"? I hate that commercial. I don't smoke, never did, but it's really disturbing. It makes me want to start smoking, just so I could quit.

I remember that there was a smoke shop a block away from my house when I was a kid. They sold all of the accoutrement's that old guys need - like tobacco, skin mags, beer, racing forms, pipe cleaners, cough drops, antacids, aspirin, fried pork rinds, newspapers and licorice.

I loved going in that store. I used to always buy the pipe cleaners, Smith Brothers chewy cough drops, Reeds Cinnamon drops and black licorice. I wasn't old enough to buy the racing forms or the skin mags at that time but I made a promise to myself that when I was, I would go into that shop and buy everything I couldn't. I'd start smoking a pipe and eating pork rinds as I read my skin mag and drank my beer. I couldn't wait until I was 18.

Then I started to see these strange people with microphones walking around. Most of them were at my family reunion. Old people who talked like R2D2 or C3PO. They scared me. I didn't want to end up with a microphone, so I decided that when I turned 18, I would just buy the beer and the Skin Mag.

A few weeks before I was 18, Governor Coumo decided that kids should be 21 before they could buy beer and liquor. This was a blow to my plan. I was 18 and I couldn't fulfill my destiny. All I could do was sit around the house eating pork rinds and read OUI, Penthouse Forum, Luscious Legs, Big Breasted Babes, and Kootch.

Then one day, my mother found my stash. She was making my bed and decided that the mattress needed to be flipped over. As she did this, 24 of my best magazine collection spilled to the floor. She called me in to my room and started to call me names like my wife calls me now. It was devastating.

The Story of Jell-O

2007-02-23T20:15:00.000-08:00

Everyone has heard of Jell-O, but many of you may not know how the name was given to that famous desert. Jell-O was made in the General Foods laborotry by adding food coloring and artificial flavors to Geletan. I want to take you back to that laboratory as the technician is struggling with what name to give the food that he just created.

Technician: Hmmmm, let's see..... Geletan, food coloring....Artifical flavoring......How about Gelorflavor? No, that's not good, it's too long maybe just Gelloring...... Hmmm that doesn't sound right either.

(phone rings) Hell-O? No, I'm sorry you have the wrong number.....

Hmmmm... what was I saying? Gellorama? No, Gelopicous, no.... Gellokenosha? No, that sounds like an Indian food. Maybe I should use a J instead of a G.

(phone rings again) Hell-O? No, I'm sorry you have the wrong number.....

Hmmmm..... Where was I? Oh yes, How about Jellidelicious? No, that sound like an exotic dancer. How about JellaJellaDingDong? No, no, that won't do either.

(phone rings again) Hell-O? No, I'm sorry you have the wrong number.....

Hmmmm..... What about if I name it after my aunt? Jellaunthauser? JelliSugarthighs? Je'lle'ocisha hmmm that sounds like a black woman.

(phone rings again) Jell-O? No, I'm sor...... Hey! That's it! Jell-O!!!!!

and that was EXACTLY how Jell-O was named.

What to do if I don't post anymore

2007-02-22T08:01:00.000-08:00

My wife called AT 10:00 this morning with the following message:

"Darling, come home right away, the kids have a long day at school and we can make love all day long. I'll even do that thing you like with the stuffed zebra"

So, I'm leaving early today. If I don't blog in the next few days, please someone call the police. I may have been tricked and am lying in a pool of blood. We have a 44 magnum at home. Don't be fooled, I WILL NOT BE CLEANING MY GUN TODAY!

Saturday afternoon when I was a strapping young boy

2007-02-20T10:12:00.000-08:00

When I was growing up we lived on the same street as my Aunt. Her name was Mary, but there was another Aunt Mary on the other side, so we called her by her married name which was Hauser. Her husband died when I was about 16 or so and my father would send me over to her house whenever she needed help with things.

Of course at 16, the last thing a strapping young male wants to do is help his Aunt. We have better things to do, like blow up things with firecrackers and tip over neighbors garbage cans.

I remember one Saturday afternoon in particular when my father got a phone call from my Aunt. He got off the phone and yelled at me:

Nukie! Go down the street and trim Aunt Hausers Bush!

For some reason, this struck me as funny. Really funny. I remember laughing so hard that my stomach hurt. I think my father thought that I was thinking of my aunts bush. You know THAT BUSH, but I think it was the beer company that made me laugh.

Anyways, My father was pissed. He started yelling at me.

NUKIE! GADAM IT! GO DOWN THE GADAM STREET AND TRIM YOUR AUNT HAUSERS GADAM BUSH!

I didn’t think it was possible, but I laughed even harder. Tears were streaming down my face as my father picked up a stick and started chasing me. We got to my aunts house and he was huffing and puffing and I was still laughing.

Balance of Nature

2007-02-19T13:36:00.000-08:00

I believe in the balance of nature. I think that changes are occurring all the time with everything, but their is a natural balance that occurs. I don't want to get into the whole "greenhouse global warming" thing, but I'll give you an example that all of us can relate to.

As we all get older, our skin itches more. I'm sure if you just think of your grandmother or grandfather, you can remember them sitting in an easy chair scratching themselves while they watch Lawrence Welk and eating Spanish peanuts.

They usually have a back scratcher or a broom handle that they use because they really can't bend over very much anymore.

So, you're probably wondering; "Where's the balance of nature, Nukie?" I'll tell you.......

Let's say that an old person is lying in bed and their legs start to itch really badly and they didn't bring their broom handle with them. (I'm sure some of them do, but not most)... so nature provides them with the perfect remedy:

Callouses on their feet.

That's all they have to do is take off their socks and use the bottom of their foot to exfoliate their legs.

This is the balance of nature in perfect form.

Winter Activity

2007-02-17T13:34:00.000-08:00

If you live anywhere that gets snow for 4 or 5 months, then you know that there are activities that you do that the other "warmer" part of the country doesn't do. Among these are: Snowball fights, snow angels, licking frozen tree bark (not flag poles - that's just stupid), pogi (grabbing the back of a car and sliding down the street in sneakers), sledding, fort and igloo building among a ton of others.

Today the whole family went sledding.

The activity of sledding comprises of putting 4 layers of clothes on and sliding down a snow covered hill with a plastic flat object. People around here that have nothing better to do get real into it and you often see infants bundled up, stuck on a sled and thrown down the hill with an adult. The adult is usually laughing and smiling and the kid is usually scared to death. It's fun.

Now, my loyal reader know that I wouldn't normally put up a post like this unless I noticed something a little strange.

As we were leaving, I saw 2 or 3 van loads of developmentally challenged people being led up the hill by older guardians. The guardians were putting the patients on sleds, plastic discs, roll out sliders (basically anything they had) and pushing them down the hill.

There's always a few ramps at the end of the hills that are designed to throw the rider off of the sled. This is part of the fun and most of the "dc's" had no clue what to do or what they were in for.

I couldn't help think that no one in their right mind would put a 4 or 5 year old on a sled and push them down, but this was exactly like that.

I wonder who was having more fun - the dc's or the guardians?

MinusculeMind

2007-02-16T16:09:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered whether the dishes in the dish washer was dirty or clean? You'd think that it would be pretty easy to tell, but most times it's not. You can try to sniff them, or touch them (but who wants to rub down an old greasy dish).

They have those Magnets that you stick on the dishwasher and turn it to either the "Dirty" side or the "Clean" side, but sometimes you forget to turn them so instead of asking everyone:

"Are the Dishes in the Dishwasher CLEAN or DIRTY?" You end up asking everyone:

"DID ANYONE REMEMBER TO TURN THE DIRTY/CLEAN MAGNET ON THE DISHWASHER?"

Well, the only reason I'm bringing this up is that recently my wife and I were talking. I don't remember what I said, but I remember her telling me:

"You always have a DIRTY mind!"

I disagreed with her and made her an offer. I told her that I'll use the DIRTY/CLEAN magnet and put it on my side of the room and whenever I had a DIRTY mind I would turn it (you get the idea)

I have to say that I was very diligent in keeping the correct side shown and I have to say that.............................................

She was right.

A little visitor

2007-02-13T12:45:00.000-08:00

I had a little visitor at work today. I was just sitting at my desk counting the ceiling tiles when I saw something fall down and hit my desk. It was a little cute ant. I've always wondered how they can fall so far without getting seriously injured.

I was eating a candy bar at the time and gave him a small chunk of it. He touched it for a few seconds and then left it behind. I quickly reached in my desk for a peanut to give him. He was much more interested in the peanut. He licked it and chomped on it for at least three minutes which was long enough to get out a camera that people in the department use for posting their picture on dating sites.

After I took the picture, It was time to go home, so I ate the peanut and smashed the ant.

E-mail; Geeks; and Dorks

2007-02-13T06:33:00.000-08:00

In my profession, there are many Geeks. Geeks used to be known as technologically advanced guys who usually have the following skills;

· Have been known to catalog trivia on Star Trek, Star Wars or Dr. Who.

· Have a huge collection of pose-able figures.

· Can repair TV’s, Computers, Radios, Cell Phones and can install any software written.

· They usually have an odor, or keep things safe under their arm pits.

· They usually have very poor social skills unless they are communicating via E-Mail.

Now, You must understand that at one point Geeks were made fun of and ridiculed. This went on until the skills of the Geek were well realized and now they are sited as an important asset in the professional world. In fact, The Geek Squad and the Reality Show: “Beauty and the Geek” Have proven how valuable they are.

As the Geek has climbed the rungs of human importance the lowest rung is now inhabited by the Dork. At work we have one set of Dorks. They are the Quality Assurance people. They have all the negative aspects of a Geek but have huge social skills. They tend to gather together and hang around non-Geeks and non-Dorks without a clue that they are ridiculed the second they leave. They can sometimes hide the fact that they are Dorks because they have better Grammar Skills than the Geek.

Geeks and Dorks are kind of like Elves (or half-Elves) and Dwarfs. They really don’t get along. Dorks also communicate via E-mail.

This brings me up to my next point: E-mail

E-mail has slowed down all forms of communication in the office. What used to take 20 seconds to talk to someone and ask them a question now takes 1.5 hours (on average) because a Dork will E-mail a Geek a question and they correspond back and forth 26 times to “clarify” and “understand” the situation.

MinusculeConfession

2007-02-11T11:04:00.000-08:00

I know that all of you have been waiting for my take on the Anna Nicole Smith story. The truth is that I have been holding back due to a very personal reason.

I may be the father of Anna Nicole Smiths child.

Here's the story: One night long, long ago I met Anna at a comic book show. She isn't anything like the media hounds portray her to be. Her and I got along great, she even signed a picture she was giving away at the show.

Well, without all the sordid details, Anna and I kind of hooked up. We went into her apartment and she showed me her comic book collection. I do want everyone to know that I did not have sexual relations with that woman, but while she was taking a shower I looked at the picture she signed for me and kind of.....

well....

Kind of squirted in a wine glass.

Okay, there, I've said it. Well after that, I was so mortified that I promptly hid the wine glass in her freezer.

Now, I'm not saying anything for sure for fear of liable, but I'm pretty sure that a year ago she found the frozen Nukie sperm and injected it. How could she not? We had so much in common, that I'm sure she wanted me to be the father of her child.

Wow, I feel much better now that it's out in the open!

Typical day

2007-02-10T18:22:00.000-08:00

Come home after hard day at work, pickup kid number 3 at friends house, drive home, then find something (not moldy) for lunch and eat it in the car while I'm driving to pickup kid number 1 at church and drive her to friends house, then pickup kid number 2 at home and drive her to the mall (10 minutes before mall closes) so she can buy a sweater that she needs before tomorrow.

Snow Day

2007-02-08T11:46:00.000-08:00

For over fifteen years our school district has only had 3-4 snow days. The person in charge of declaring a school day is the district superintendent of schools. This guy was known for never closing the schools. It could be 24 below zero and 3 feet of snow and the guy wouldn’t close the schools. The kids hated this guy. He was known as Dickvonovich…… (I can’t tell you what his real name is for reasons that will become apparent as you read this entertaining and informative post.) The mothers hated this guy, and most teachers hated this guy.

Except one.

It appears that this guy was caught over the summer “entertaining” one of the female social teachers at his summer cottage in a torrid affair that lasted over 12 years. The one good thing was that he was faithful..…(I mean to the other woman, not to his wife)….

Now his wife hated him also. This guy had no friends left so he ended up packing his bags and leaving the school district. A woman replaced him. (Now I only bring up the new superintendents sexual denomination to prove a point)

This year so far we have had 8 snow days. It appears that a woman superintendent is more compassionate and cares more about the well being of her school kids than Mr. Dickvonovich was. In honor of our new school superintendent, I would like to post this beautiful poem I wrote about Buffalo driving in the snow.

Slow and careful with hands at ten and two
New plows spreading salt with flashing lights
Old smelly blanket in the backseat
Whiteouts, snowdrifts, spinning tires

Frost on windshield and wipers frozen
A bus hesitates before pulling away
Coffee sits between my legs
Two men and a boy push a truck
Snow day at school today

Bananas

2007-02-08T07:20:00.000-08:00

I find Bananas very un-filling. Now I understand why monkeys eat so many of them. Most kids either start out hating Bananas and loving monkeys or vise-versa. I know I was that way. I wouldn’t touch a Banana to save my life, but I wanted a monkey as a pet. I guess I just always thought of Bananas as Monkey food. But now I like Bananas and see the disadvantages of having a monkey as a pet. Monkeys keep you up at night and Bananas don’t. Monkeys also need to have their diaper changed. Monkeys squeal a lot and make a mess out of things. I’m not saying I don’t like Monkeys; I just don’t want one as a pet. Anyways, like I was saying I can eat 3 or 4 Bananas and not feel full. I wonder if it’s the same with a Monkey.

Minuscule Writer's Block

2007-02-04T15:48:00.000-08:00

I'm telling you, it's been one of those weeks. I was too busy at work to blog, but I kept getting great idea's. I tried to remember them for the weekend, but as soon as it rolled around I forgot all of them. The worst part is that I only remember the beginnings. I couldn't come up with a good enough ending to post.

So I decided to write one of them anyways in hopes that the story will come alive on it's own.

Title: Church Stink (or "that's why they're called pews")

We went to church today and there was this really smelly guy. I don't want to make fun of him, so I won't describe him, but I will describe how he made me feel.

He made me feel sick.

Like sick to my stomach, sick. He hadn't washed in so long that when ever his stink emimated towards me, my mouth would get a metal taste in it, sort of like I had a mouthful of nickels.

I asked my wife for a tic tac or some gum in hope that my mouth would stop tasting like I just ate rusty nail. It worked for a while, but then my eyes started watering. I figured that the guy stunk up at least 2 pews in front of him and 3 pews behind him. There was no one in front of us blocking "Mr. Stinky" so the ceiling fans were just blowing the cloud of stench towards us.

All of the standing and hand shaking wasn't helping either - It was just causing the 8 foot radius to increase.

..........................

(sorry that's all I have)

My Ears are Ringing!

2007-02-01T19:18:00.000-08:00

My ears are ringing.

It's 10:25 pm as I write this and my kids have finally stopped screaming. I got home around 5:00 and they were screaming. I got out of the shower about 6:15 and they were screaming. We went to dinner and (when their mouths weren't full) they were screaming. We got home and watched Smallville and they were screaming. Then they watched Grey's Anatomy and screamed at each other some more. I was so tired of it, that I went outside in freezing temperatures to rotate the tires on my van.

Finally when they have exhausted themselves enough to go into their bedrooms and talk on the phone, I sit in bed and am able to hear two distinct things:

The ringing in my ears.....

and the kitchen faucet dripping.

My wife had told me that the kitchen faucet dripped but I didn't hear it before tonight. It's too late to fix it now, in fact the dripping is kind of soothing.

Note to NYM: I did every thing posible to correct grammer and even spell checked before publication. I am eternally gratfull to you for you're continued intrest and suport. I prolly will be a better writer cause of you.

Supermodel

2007-01-30T05:32:00.000-08:00

I remember the first Supermodel I had a date with (okay..... maybe the ONLY Supermodel I had a date with). She was a twenty on a scale to ten! She was the "Sizzle" in Hot. But, alas........ things are not always as they appear.

She was stupid.

In fact, she was very, very stupid. She was the "Dumb" in Blonde. Not only that, but she wasn't very mature either. I couldn't understand her.

For example: One day we went to a party and she saw one of her other Supermodel friends. She talked for a moment and told her:

"Ohhhhhh, Your hair is so pretty. I just love it."

Then we walked away and told me:

"Her hair was disgusting, wasn't it?"

"But you told her you loved it"

"Yes, that's because she's not feeling good about herself right now, she thinks she's too skinny"

"Why didn't you just tell her that she's not too skinny?"

"Because....duh! Then she'd think she was fat."

I didn't go on a second date with her. I just didn't get it. Besides - I hate that "duh" thing.

Free Organ

2007-01-29T14:44:00.000-08:00

Work has been extremely busy the last week or so, which has caused me to blog on my own time instead of on the books. As much as I hate to write without getting paid for it, I made a profound change in my life that I must share with my loyal readers.

I've thought on and off about Organ and Tissue Donations and recently there was a blurb about it on NPR. After much consideration, I have come to the conclusion that I should do it. I thought of how much good a couple of my organs and some tissue could do to those who need it. I've heard the horror stories of people who are in much need being on waiting lists and not able to get one.

But I was being selfish..... Why do I need all my organs? I thought. I can't just stand idly by and horde these much valued resources. Besides, The Organs I have are not really mine...... They were given to me.......mostly by my father and mother. I think one of them doesn't sound very good either. For years it stood in the corner of my mother's parlor.

And what about seriously ill people with rhinitis who need some of my tissues? I have boxes and boxes of tissues. Some of them even have that aloe stuff wiped all over it so your nose won't bleed after multiple blowings. I usually get the unscented kind, because I'm very sensitive to smelly things.

So today my wife and I are boxing up 3 organs and 6 Kleenex boxes and bringing them to the Salvation Army. I can only encourage others to follow my example and stop being so foolishly ignorant.

No Quarter

2007-01-26T17:17:00.000-08:00

I went to the Dollar Tree last friday and bought some plastic flowers. I handed the clerk a 5 spot and she gave me change and then closed her drawer. I looked at the coins and there was one Canadian Quarter, so I asked politly if I could have a real quarter. The clerk just shook her head and said;

"I'm sorry I can't open my drawer."

I pondered this for a moment and thought of what I could say to her to persuade her to open her drawer and give me an American Quarter but I couldn't think of anything that wasn't vulgar or contained lots of swear words so I turned to a much older and much more experienced cashier and asked her for a real quarter.

She told me the same thing. She also added that If I wanted to wait until the next customer, that I could and then she would be happy to give me an American Quarter for the inferior Candian Quarter. I thought about this and declined because I didn't want to appear to be more of a Schmuck than I already was for making this fuss in the first place.

(Now I just want to explain that I'm not cheap or a schmuck most of the time. It's just that I save quarters so I could use them in coin operated devices and they do not accept Canadian Quarters)

So I left the store............... But, I came up with a plan. I was going to hold on the the fake quarter until I went back to the store and buy something. I thought about this plan all week long. I figured out what I would say under every possible circumstance. I prepped myself for any situation and was ready to stand my ground and wait for the police to come and drag me out of the store if it came to that.

Tonight I went bake to the Dollar Tree. I picked up a resin snowbaby imitation piece and brought it to the counter. I was in luck! It was the same snotty girl that gave me the crappy quarter in the first place. My hands were sweaty as I held onto the dollar and the quarter in my pocket. I got to the register, put down my collectable resin imitation snowbaby and the clerk said:

"That'll be a buck 9"

I took my hand out of my pocket slowly and looked her straight in the eye. She dumped the money in the drawer and didn't bat an eyelash.

I was horribly disappointed. All week I was preparing for this event and she didn't even notice that I gave her a Canadian Quarter. Sometimes, life just isn't worth living.

I was going to update but....

2007-01-23T17:26:00.001-08:00

Gilmore Girls is on.

I would have written about the little stickers that they put on fruit with the PLU codes on them.

I would have said something like:

"Let's be honest, how many people have eaten those little PLU stickers that they stick on fruit? I have, I must've aten at least a dozen"

But what's the use? NYM would only say

"There's no such word as Aten! It's Eaten, Do I have to be a #%&^%$ grammar teacher?"

and KimmyK would have said something like:

"Just peel them off you dork!"

and Paige would wait a week and reply as anonymous

and DJN, Roger and might comment if I gave away a prize. Blogging has come down to this.............

Gilmore Girls

bored

2007-01-19T19:16:00.000-08:00

Boredom has hit the household. The oldest (girl) was smart enough to stay in bed until now (1:30) and probably will stay in bed until it gets dark. The middle kid had enough energy to go outside and take some pictures for her MySpace. This prompted me to take a cool MySpace shot of myself and post it here (notice the "Myspace Finger Gesture". The youngest (boy) is on the computer playing Addicting Games. These are all cheesy games with repetitive gameplay and a soundtrack of one continuous song. My wife and I are just pacing the floors trying to decide on something we can do, but haven't had any luck so far. I've already taken a shower and gone to the bathroom a few times and read the (1) comic I like: (mutts) and had 3 cups of coffee. Maybe the coffee is making me a little more ansy than usual. That's all I know is that we're bored. In fact, this is the most boring post I have ever written. That's cause I'm bored.

The 10 most influential women in history

2007-01-19T04:49:00.000-08:00

Sally Rand – Sally Rand became famous at the 1933 Chicago Worlds Fair, Dubbed Century of Progress. She was a leading entertainer as a fan dancer. She also used Balloons. Arguably she can be considered a progressive leader of the century.

La Mome Fromage– Mome was the girlfriend of Toulouse-Lautrec. Toulouse threw a great number of Francs towards Mome in an attempt to persuade he to drop her disgust of short ugly French painters with a limp and become his wife (or at least his lover). She put the “can” into “can-can” and still (if she was alive) could make most men drool with her interpretive dance of the “Sing-a-long Symphony”

Bettie Page – At one time, Bettie Page was the most photographed woman in the world (beating out Marilyn Monroe and others). She became the girl next door and the woman in the bedroom at the same time. Which is sort of like having your cake and eating it too. She makes this list because of the impression that is burned into my brain of that wonderful leopard skin she once wore.

Marie Camargo – In 1734, London’s Inn Theater opened with “The Beggars Opera” featuring a little known ballet dancer Marie Camargo. She decided that ballet was too boring for the British and started to take off her clothes. Although she was not the first to do this, she did propel a form of art further that we now call “Burlesque!”

Lady Godiva – Lady Godiva was an Anglo-Saxon noblewoman who rode naked though the streets of Coventry in England. When I was in the West Midlands, I looked around to see if any other women were doing the same. It appears that while she was doing this some guy named Tom followed her and was consequently struck blind. What the legend doesn’t tell us is that it was Tom’s wife that blinded him in his sleep with the heel of her shoe and not some sort of fairy tale magic.

Venus De Milo – The Statue of Venus De Milo is actually depicts the Greek Goddess Aphrodite. Most of us will recall that the Statue is missing her arms. It’s believed that she was at one time admiring her reflection in the reflective inner surface of Ares shield. Apparently while she was doing so, she couldn’t see a chariot speeding down the streets and she was caught off guard and he limbs severed. Since this unfortunate incident the Greeks stopped using shields as reflective elements and developed the hand mirror for which all women are grateful.

Tahia Carioca – Tahia was the most famous Egyptian belly dance movie stars of all time. She was born in 1919 and died 80 years later. She belly danced at her 75th birthday party held in The Oakwood Hills Retirement Home in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. Her forth husband who was 34 years old at the time was recorded as saying that her performance brought tears to his eyes. Tahia is buried in Forrest Hill cemetery if you’d like to visit her grave. She has influenced a huge amount of young ladies who have furthered their study of Belly Dancing as a viable and lucrative form of employment.

My 8th Grade Biology teacher – Miss Yummithighs has influenced more young boys going through puberty than Playboy and Penthouse combined! Every time I think of Biology, I think of Yummithighs. Every time I think of spermatozoa and eggatozoa, I think of Yummithighs. I can’t explain how my life was changed the first time she showed the class her biological home movie.

Rosa Parks – Last, but not least is Rosa Parks. This list could not be complete without Rosa. Her courage and determination will be remembered and celebrated as her selfless act managed to fuel the Civil Rights movement.

2 More Fascinating Facts

2007-01-13T12:16:00.000-08:00

After I came up with the Green Olive / Black Olive thing, Idea's have been flowing out of me like a Water Balloons thrown against a Bus! I've come up with two more revelations that I couldn't help share with my loyal and supportive readers.

1. My cat is trying to kill me.

For the past 2 weeks, my cat has maneuvered himself in positions to cause me great harm. Every night at exactly 3:02 am I take a leak. My cat knows this and he has been waiting until my leak turns into a "tinkle and shake" and positions himself under the door. I come out all bleary eyed and trip over the gadam cat and almost knock myself out on the Lawnmower.

(The reason I have a lawnmower in the house is because my wife likes to garbage pick and there's not enough room in the garage.)

This isn't the only proof I have that my cat is trying to kill me. Just yesterday while I was trimming my nose hairs, my cat comes over and knocks his head into my hand. He purposely tried to repeatedly push the sharp scizzors through my skull!

2. Women are fussbudgets.

They intentionally "Budget" their "Fuss" so they have enough to spead it around. I don't have to go into details because I'm sure I'm right and nobody can tell me differently.

Nukie Awards

2007-01-12T07:18:00.000-08:00

Funniest Post Award – The Award for the funniest post of the year goes to Bear for this one It’s one of those posts that just sticks with you.

The “Best Use of Photography” award goes to Paige Von Liber who actually takes her own pictures instead of stealing them from the internet like the rest of us. Her site offers original poetry and photography and my favorite was this one because I like castles and it rhymes!

Warm and Fuzzy Award – Goes to KimmyK for the layout of her blog and the pictures used to express a nice place to visit. I Have No Name for This was barely edged out last year by WDKY, but KimmyK wasn’t about to quit. She worked hard to change her blog and deserves this award.

The "I'm not a Blogger"Award – Goes to Wakanuki for his transition from lurker to Non-Blogger. I know it’s a tough thing to swallow – but admitting it is half the battle.

The “Never Know What You’re Going to Find” Award goes to Roger who manages to keep his site fresh and witty with gems like gems like this, or this.

Nuf’ Said!

The “Blog most like a Soap Opera” Award goes to DJN for her blog Monkey Business. Although she writes many different stories, There is an underlining theme of her husbands ex-wife, Rocco – her dog, and her right arm pit Check it out and tell her Nukie sent you.

Without a Trace Award – Goes to Hamrose who came on pretty strong in 2006 and disappeared like a satisfied $2.99/minute sex chat customer. Her posts were usually long winded politically based rants and there’s still people asking about her disappearance. I’m gonna quote my father and just say…. “I’m not saying nuttin!”

The “I Wish I Could Sell Myself Out and Collect The Bucks From Some Lousy Post Award” – Goes to Mighty Girl who writes stuff like this and manages to make money off of it!

The Best Rant of 2006 goes to New York Moments for her rant at the end of the year about how bad work sucked. You gotta hand it to her for winning this Award two straight years in a row with her famed “Transit Strike” rant of 2005. I was really debating with myself to either give her this award or the “Never Finishes a Multi-Part Post” Award for the way post like this tend to die on the vine.

The “Now I Know What a Possum Looks Like” award goes to Marcheline for this post Her site is often a blend of many different topics, but she manages to tie everything nicely together. Her site was a strong contender for the “Warm and Fuzzy” award and probably would have won it if I changed the award to the “Sharp and Sexy” award. You gotta love the Angelina Jolie stuff.

The Shortest Retirement Award goes to WDKY for his 13 day rest taken at the end of the year, which broke my record the year before. His site has always been a very popular site with the ladies and I think I’ve even seen some pictures of himself that my sister printed out and hung on her refrigerator.

5 Things you wish I didn't tell you about me

2007-01-10T16:03:00.000-08:00

I've been tagged by DJN of Monkey Business in a vein attempt to be nominated for the Nukie Awards on Friday. The truth is that everyone on my blogroll is automatically nominated. Be sure to come by and pick up your Nukie.

1. I have large flat feet and hair over 70% of my body (76% if I don't shave for a day). In fact, if I wasn't 6 feet tall I could be compared to a Hobbit.

2. I drive very aggressively. For instance, If I'm in the right lane on the Thruway and there's a car in the left lane, I will swerve into him a little. This makes him slow down so I can pass him and change lanes into his.

3. I can sit and do nothing for hours. This is one of my favorite traits about myself. Remember Siddhartha? I can do that.

4. I take very little seriously. I am the direct opposite of my brother who tends to care about way too much and is always concerned about little things like internet security, identity theft, politics, global warming and inflation.

5. I used to have a dog named Timmy, who swallowed some Tylenol. My mother was very worried about him, so she took him to the vet. Timmy was laying on the vet table when the doctor came in. He said "oh what a nice poodle" and he gave Timmy a pat on the head. Just then, Timmy threw up the Tylenol. The doctor said "Well, I guess we don't have to pump his stomach!" and charged my mother 80 bucks.

Nukie Awards and Minuscule Thoughts

2007-01-08T18:12:00.000-08:00

So, it's about time for the "Nukie Blogger Awards". Those of you who have been here for a while will remember that the Nukie Awards have the following rules:

1. All bloggers on my links get an award whether they like it or not.

2. There is no prize associated with the Nukie Awards.

3. I am the sole judge!

The date for the 2006 Nukie Awards is this coming Friday - so come back on Friday!

Now that the announcements are over, I thought I'd blog about three things I discovered recently.

Have you ever noticed that Green Olives come in a glass jar while Black Olives come in a can? Why is that? Doesn't it seem a little racist? I think so.

Another thing I noticed is that there really aren't many Jesus jokes. I think this really has to do with the fear factor. I mean, nobody really cares if you make fun of a few homos, blacks, jews, itailians, germans, irish, and polish people, but I think you're really taking a chance of waking up int the middle of the night and peeing red if you joke about the big guy.

The last thing that's been bothering me lately is the fact that the Queen of England has been in the habit of Knighting musical performers. I think it started with the Paul McCartney and then she knighted Mick Jagger, Tom Jones, Bono, Rod Stewart, Elton John and a jazz musician John Dankworth.

I gotta tell you: I have no problem with the fact that the Queen likes musicians, but come on! The Knighthood should be taken a little more seriously. How can you compare the likes of Sir George or Sir Richard the Lion Hearted with Rod Stewart? I can't really see Elton John waving his sword (or anything else) at a dragon or Tom Jones riding off to slay much of anything (except maybe a few blue haired old ladies) Not to mention that nobody even knows who John Dankworth is and Bono isn't even English!

TechnoNukiePop

2007-01-07T19:20:00.000-08:00

Pop does Trance

2007-01-04T14:35:00.000-08:00

This is an MP3 I made with my father doing the vocals. It's part 1 (the edited version). Don't ask for the unedited version, because I can't post it.

powered by ODEO

Free Timbit!

2006-12-30T08:56:00.000-08:00

As a New Years treat, I’ll let you in on my secret formula on how to get a free Timbit.

First, you will have to go through Tim Horton’s drive through and follow these directions implicitly!

TH (Tim Hortons) – Welcome to Tim Hortons. Can I take your order?

Nukie – Yes, I’ll have 15 Timbits.

TH – Do you want any particular kind or a mix?

Nukie – I’ll have 6 Chocolate…….

(At this point, you want to go off into a daydream – for instance, I thought of my Italian immigrant grandmother who would always have these really good translated sayings like this):

Nukie’s Grandmother – If’a you can’t wipe’a you eye, then don’t a cry

After a minute the Tim Hortons guy is going to say something like:

TH – Sir? What other Timbits do you want?

Nukie – Oh…. Yeah, I want 6 Cinnamon covered.

TH – okay ……

(At this point, you should drift off into another daydream – for instance, I thought of the time when I was 12 years old – playing outside with firecrackers. We lived on a busy street and I was sitting on the ground and had lit the match when I look next to me on the ground and all I see is this big black government issued shoe. It looked like a Cops shoe to me. I slowly look up and there’s this Cop standing next to me…)

TH – Sir?...... Sir?..........You have 3 more Timbits to select!

Nukie – You know what? I’ll take 5 Honey dip Timbits and put away one Chocolate and one Cinnamon.

(This is where the magic happens. The Tim Hortons guy is going to take one of the cinnamon Timbits out for sure, but there’s no way that he’s going to dig to the bottom and put away a chocolate Timbit that has cinnamon dust all over it. Then he will dump in 5 Honey dipped ones and let you have a free Timbit just to get rid of you!)

Ideal Christmas

2006-12-26T17:31:00.000-08:00

It was an Ideal Christmas this year due to two very important reasons.

1. We did not go into debt.

2. I brought back all the presents I didn't like and bought something that I Love!

Maybe it's the same for my loyal readers - For the past decade or so we have spent money we didn't have on Christmas and it took a few months to get out of it and you know how you get all those present that you don't really need or want? Well, I wasn't about to keep them this year.

So, you're asking: Nukie, what did you get and return?

I got a set of battery operated tools that I don't need.
I got a pair of Red Silk underwear (and my old pair is still good)
I got something from one of my siblings (but they read this - so I can't tell you what it is)
I got the first season DVD set of Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
and finally I got a book called "Taming Your Inner Wild Ambitions"

I took all of these back today and bought something fantastic!

What did I buy for myself?

It's pictured above ^ (right there) It's a pair of Mukluks. Yes they make them for men! And I'm very secure with myself to go out in public in them. I can't wait until the guys at work see me with them on!

I nearly killed my wife.

2006-12-24T14:55:00.000-08:00

Yesterday while I was last minute shopping, I passed a Chinese restaurant and thought:

"Wouldn't it be nice to take everyone to a nice Chinese restaurant today?" So I went home and told everyone to get ready.

My wife said: "You know I don't really like Chinese"
My son said: "I'm not going I want to eat Subway"
My daughter said: "Why do we have to eat what you have cravings for?"
My other daughter wasn't home or she would have said: "Okay"

Finally after yelling, threatening and finally carrying everyone to the car, I got in the passenger seat and we went to Ying's Wings and Things.

Ying greeted us at the door and he also waited on us. He was a riot. He was a mixture of Pee Wee Herman and Jackie Chan on speed (without the karate chops) He would make little jokes and say stuff like:

"Ohh, you bling coupon, that good......you eat two meal floor plice of one!"

Yings' was a great choice because they also had food other than Chinese like pizza and subs. My wife was going to order a chicken salad, but I talked her out of it saying:

"We use coupon to eat two meal floor plice of one, so You eat Chinese!"

She succumbed. Ying came around and brought the drinks - all of which were flat soda. Then he brought the wanton soup which I spilled on my pants. Then he brought these HUGE plates of food.

My wife said:

"There's no way I can eat all this, I don't really like Chinese food" But I told her to do the best she can and I managed to eat my whole plate. The rest of the meal went very well and we went home.

At 11:30 at night, my wife's stomach started to hurt and she said:

"I think the Chinese food was bad!"

"No..... How could it be? You only ate a small amount and I ate the whole thing!"

At 12:30 in the morning, my wife was keeping me up by making all these choking and spitting sounds. Then at 1:30 she woke me up again to ask what food poisoning felt like. Then at 2:45 she got up again and told me that she thinks she flushed most of Ying's Wings and Things along with most of her intestines.

The next day, she felt a little better (once her fever broke) and she decided to get dressed so she could wrap the presents. I have to hand it to her, she can really get around when she is near death. I hope she feels better tomorrow so I can open what she got me.

Tootsie Pops Concert

2006-12-22T18:25:00.000-08:00

The Holidays are filled with joy such as holiday concerts and family dinners. Out 2 daughters were in a chorus and band concert and Mrs. Nukie invited my parents and her parents. My father has hearing loss so he speaks very loud. Not only does he talk loud, but he says whatever strikes his mind too. Her parents are the reserved type. In fact the reservations are still waiting for them.

Anyways to get to the point, my parents came and brought my brothers (Wakanuki) kids and my sisters (Hamrose) kids. I gave them all some Tootsie Pops to try to keep them quiet and they all sat in front of my wife and me. Her parents sat about 5 or 6 aisles away because they have been in public with my father before.

So, the concert was good but very long (about 2 hours) By this time all of my nieces were started to jump around (probably from the long concert and not the Tootsie Pops) and my father was video taping the whole concert. Everything (so far) was okay.

Then they played "Silent Night" During a very quiet part of the song, one of the kids bumps into my father and he tells her (very loudly):

"Please don't bump into me!"

I counted about 600 people that turned around to see what was going on - meanwhile my in-laws are pretending not to know my father. Overall, this was one of the more sucessful gatherings. The next one takes place at Christmas at my brothers house. I can only hope he buys the good wine this time. Maybe I'll bring my own.

Guest Blog Post

2006-12-19T12:05:00.000-08:00

Today, I’m having a special guest post to MinusculeBibbles. I came across an old beggar at lunch today. He was panhandling and asked me for either money or work. So I brought him to work with me and gave him ten bucks to write and post my blog because I knew that I would be too busy to write anything good. SO I introduce to you today William Buford, age 89, former boxing trainer and present alcoholic:

The Great 1937 Ohio River Flood:

When I was 19 years old in 1937 a terrible flood occurred due to excessive rains when the Ohio River overflowed. Floods stretched from Pittsburgh to Illinois and 100,000 were left homeless in Ohio alone. It was a terrible time. I started writing a diary of the account and would like to share it with Nukie’s wonderful readers – God bless Nukie and all of his kin folk.

(EDITORS NOTE)

The rest of this post has been removed - I was scammed into thinking that this old drunk was going to make for good reading! Obviously the fact that I only got 1 pity comment and 1 Spam comment speaks for itself.

Nukie takes on the Tough Questions

2006-12-19T07:11:00.000-08:00

As soon as I got home yesterday, my wife asked me a question:

“Would you rather vote a woman or a black man for president?” I wasn’t trying to avoid the question, but I couldn’t answer it. How can anyone answer that question without knowing who the people were? It’s not like one or the other nameless faceless people are going to be better than the other. So, I decided that I would put names and faces to the question so everyone would know who I would rather have as president. I understand that some of these people are dead, but for arguments sake, assume they are alive when the election is held.

Phyllis Diller or Mr. T – I’m going with Mr. T on this because he always had a good plan on The A Team.

Katie Couric or Bryant Gumble – Bryant is disqualified because he really isn’t black.

Wizard of Oz “Dorothy” – or an Oompa Loompa - Okay, I understand that an Oompa Loompa is technically colored and not black, but I’m going to vote for him anyways.

Hillary Clinton or a convicted Sex Offender – Sex Offender

Sindee Coxx or Damian “darkmeat” Smith – I think Sindee is more qualified. (If you don’t know who these two are, you shouldn’t Google them at work)

Gilmore Girls “Lorilai” or Bishop Desmond Tutu – Definitely Lorilie.

Julia Child or Sanford – I’ve always liked Sanford and Son, but unfortunately he has a bad heart.

Joan of Ark or Sammy Davis Jr. – Hmmmmmm…… I’m not sure.

Paris Hilton or Snoop Doggy Dog – Snoop! (It would be great to hear the words…… “The president of the United States, Mr. Doggy Dog.)

Anna Nicole Smith or Will Smith – Everybody loves Will.

The Olsen twins or Miles Davis – Although I love the talented and adorable Olsen twins to death, I have to go with Miles Davis because he would set everyone straight.

(Editors Note: I fixed the Brian Gumble mistake and also forgot to mention SHAFT - everyone of my loyal readers knows that you can't pit SHAFT against anyone because SHAFT is the man.)

Grocery Shopping

2006-12-17T14:50:00.000-08:00

In life, there's fantasy and reality, and sometimes it's difficult to tell which one is real. Life itself can be difficult and sometimes a real drag. Everyday tasks such as grocery shopping when coupled with a long trying day can be a nightmare. Each one of us has the ability to transform the mundane or the difficult times into ones more manageable by letting ourselves fall into the trance of fantasy.

Take Grocery Shopping. Lets say you have a weeks worth of shopping to do and it's the day before a holiday and the place is jam packed and it takes 20 minutes to go down each aisle.

Aisle 1 - You fill your cart with lettuce, tomatoes, apples, radishes, carrots, potatoes........ Then you start to drift off.........

Remember that time when you were 2 years old and you stood up in your crib and stuck your hand down your throat to make yourself throw up? And your mother comes rushing in to see what happened but......

Aisle 2 - You pick up a 12 pack of Diet Pepsi knowing that it's not good for you and your hand brushes against the 2 pound bag of Lays Potato Chips........

When you start to think of the time when you were playing in your little swimming pool in the summer and there's this tall tower next to you, you think about climbing it when.......

Aisle 3 - English Breakfast Tea, coffee filters, Bottled Water and Cranberry Juice and......

I remember coming out of the birth canal, lights were all around me and I could hear the sound of my mother screaming at me for the first time......

Aisle 4 - Baking Soda, Powdered Sugar, Vanilla Extract...Watch out for the broken bottle of pickles....

I always thought I would live in a penthouse and have Jazz parties with musicians and beatnik poets....CLEAN UP ON AISLE 4.

Isle 5 - Town House Crackers, Ranch Wheatibles and Granola Breakfast Bars.....

Sir, Miss Monroe is here to see you....

Aisle 6 - Shaving Cream, the Big Bottle of aspirin, Scope mouthwash and some Crest Toothpaste....

I pulled Excaliber from it's sheath and held it in my hands, the blade shined like no other ever seen, the dragon approached with it's fiery breath and I quickly grabbed it's..........

Aisle 7 - Screaming kids and bumper to bumper carts, smelly fat people and greasy haired youth....

Mr. President? Mr. President? What should we do about the latest outburst in Israel? I answer: "Give both sides atomic weapons and let them sort it out themselves, I have to get some Italian Bread."

Aisle 8 - Italian Bread and 2% milk, Orange Juice and American Cheese.....

Finally I'm finished, I try to find the checkout that's the least busiest and the girl starts scanning. She gets to the Romaine Lettuce and she can't scan it. It's taking her two hours as she continues to drag it across the machine.

"It's $2.89" She doesn't listen and she starts looking it up in the flip book. "IT'S TWO GADAM DOLLARS AND EIGHTY NINE FRIGGIN CENTS"

She finds the code and punches it in. It rings up $2.99 and she looks at me like I just tried to rob the store.

The greatest name

2006-12-16T13:57:00.000-08:00

I used to like the name Schlomo until I found this guy's name during a neighbor search. This is my new favorite name of all time.

Schlabig, Harry J

3 Minuscule Wonders

2006-12-16T05:00:00.000-08:00

1. Why do people give items possessionial status? In other words why do people say things like this:

"I’m need to take MY shower now"

or

"I’m going to drink MY tea"

(Of course you’re going to drink your tea, why would you drink somebody else’s. Sheesh! Some people just don’t know good English)

2. Why do people who live in the country assume that everyone else knows what there talking about? This guy at work was telling a few of us a story of a guy who got his lung punctured. And the discussion went something like this:

Guy #1 – So my cousin was climbing this tree when he fell on a branch and punctured his lung.

Nukie – Ewwww – stop it I hate those kind of stories.

Country Bumpkin – Well, you know how the lung is made from a jelly substance and when you poke something through it, the hole collapses back closed.

Nukie – That’s gross. Where would I see a lung?

Country Bumpkin – Whenever you’ve gutted a kill.

Nukie – What are you talking about? I’m from the suburbs. The only kill I see is a squished squirrel every now and then.

3. And speaking of road kill, you know when there’s a squished cat in the road and there’s a couple of black birds picking at it and when you drive up the thing there’s always one bird that will fly off right away and the other bird just turns to look at you and walks off the side of the road. Why is that?

Minuscule Cliche

2006-12-13T20:02:00.000-08:00

There's this old guy at work that is super annoying. He's one of these guys that only uses cliches. I'm not sure what he does, I know that a lot of salesmen come around and ask him questions and unfortunately I have to hear the same answers over and over again. I'll give you a taste of what a typical conversation sounds like:

Salesman: "Hey Norton, What's the terminal velocity of this widget?" (I'm paraphrasing here)

Norton: "Suicide Hotline...please hold"

Salesman: What?

Norton: "Don't make me slap you with my flip flop"

Salesman: "Uhhh, yeah, Bill up front told me to see you."

Norton: "Bill can't tell his ass from his elbow!"

Salesman: "Do you think you can give me these specifications?"

Norton: "No Problema...... There's no limit to what I can't do"

Salesman: "Hmmmm, okay....I need to know the terminal velocity."

Norton: "Every stick has two ends."

Salesman: "That's not much use"

Norton: "As much use as a yard of pump water"

Salesman: "I don't think I came to the right place"

Norton: "Looks like you're lost like a ball in high weeds"

Salesman: "Is there one person around here that can help me?"

Norton: "One flower does not bring spring."

Salesman: "Thank you for your help!"

Norton: "Go forth and become happy cabbage"

Around this time, I really feel sorry for the poor salesman who was told to see Norton, but I'm usually laughing inside too hard. I think the guys up front just send unsuspecting people to see him as a joke.

Christmas Shopping

2006-12-12T12:39:00.000-08:00

I called my wife after lunch today. I was having a hard day of reading e-mails and blogging and I asked her how our Christmas Shopping is doing.

Nukie: How's our Christmas Shopping going?

Wife: What!

Nukie : Our Christmas Shopping. People at work are asking me if I have much more to do and I don't know what to tell them.

Wife: You haven't done ANY!

Nukie: Yeah, but, I gotta work all day. That's why I gave you the credit card.

Wife: click......

Nukie: Hello?

SAD

2006-12-12T08:23:00.000-08:00

I ate a donut this morning.

This may not seem like much of a blog posting event to you, but I’m not supposed to eat donuts. My doctor thinks that they have too much cholesterol in them and my nutritionist thinks that they have too much sugar. I wasn’t listening to them when I shoved it down my throat.

What is the worst thing is that the donut was a SAD. I don’t mean SAD like Boo-Hoo SAD. I mean SAD as in “Suck-Ass Donut”!

It was horrible. It tasted like a big thick sugar coated mound of greasy uncooked animal fat. In fact it reminded me of my mothers cooking.

When I first picked it up, I imagined that it was going to taste glorious. Like a light feathery ambrosia coated with sweet morning dew and a crisp juicy exterior. Instead, I got a Suck-Ass Donut.

MinusculeWonders

2006-12-10T14:41:00.000-08:00

Everyone has heard of "The Seven Wonders of the World". But actually, there are many seven wonders lists. I'm not going to list them all individually as you can find them here:

In a nut shell, these are the categories:

The Seven Wonders of the Ancient World
The Seven Wonders of the Medieval Mind
The Seven Natural Wonders of the World
The Seven Underwater Wonders of the World
The Seven Wonders of the Modern World
The Seven Forgotten Natural Wonders of the World
The Seven Forgotten Modern Wonders of the World
and The Seven Forgotten Wonders of the medieval Mind

Now, you gotta wonder why there's so many "Seven Wonders" lists and how they were decided upon. Well, in today's news, I read that there are 21 candidates competing to become the "New Seven Wonders of the World". No, I'm not kidding. In fact, if you want - you can cast your vote here:

What the heck? What was wrong with the old ones? I think it's a scam. I think something is rotten in Denmark! I think that somebody should follow Deep throats advice to "Follow the Money" and you'll find out why this competition is occurring.

Well, Don't let it be said that Nukie doesn't jump on the bandwagon. I came up with a list of my own. I call it:

THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE BLOG WORLD

(Naturally this list is loaded with internet links)

How did an idea of an internet WEBLOG that takes the personal thoughts and miseries of normal everyday humans evolve into such things as this one? (not that there's anything wrong with it)

How come one of the most famous blogs of all time came from some chick that got fired from her job for blogging? Her blog stinks! Yes, I said it. DOOCE STINKS!

and Heather B. Armstrong is a blogwhore.

Is the universal law that Birds of a Feather, Flock Together hold true for bloggers and if it does, what does that say about us as we examine our Blogrolls?

What is the purpose of a Blog?

(I'm not even going to attempt to answer this one)

Is it true what the public says about bloggers, that they are a bunch of egotistical attention loving insecure narcissistic selfish spoiled children? (Wow, do I feel uncomfortable all of a sudden)

Do bloggers really believe that they are going to become rich & famous by either getting a book deal, or a Showtime series so we can quit our stinking jobs and live off the million dollar royalties? (Hah! I don't know about you, but I'm pitching my blog to Universal Studios at this moment)

What do bloggers do when the quit blogging?

WDKY Lives

2006-12-09T16:49:00.000-08:00

I just want everyone to know that Nukie was right! I predicted that WDKY demise wouldn't last two weeks!

Welcome back.

All I gotta say is what I said when I was in the exact same predicament.

Ya Can't keep the Man DOWN!

Give-a-way Challenge Winner

2006-12-09T05:33:00.000-08:00

New York Moments correctly guessed the number to be three. So she wins the VHS tape. Now for the bad news......

This is the story of the tape.

My wife and I went to a junk store and I was milling around when out of the corner of my eye I spotted this tape. It had a glow around it. I picked it up and read the box and saw that it was the classsic movie SHAFT!

I was SO excited! I picked it up and ran to the check out and was thrilled. I decided to watch it once and share it with my loyal readers as a prize. So I posted the Give-a-Way post and popped the tape in.

The tape was in good condidion, so I was glad for that. Then after 10 minutes of previews the feature comes on.......

I grabbed my pop corn and wine.... (If you buy really cheap wine, the pop corn taste better)

And could hardly control myself.

The music started...

tee tee dee da dee tee tee dee da dee

tee tee dee da dee tee tee dee da dee

Then the credits started.....

Samuel Jackson....

Wait a minute, Samuel Jackson wasn't in SHAFT!

He was the dude in Star Wars!

Then it hit me...... The new SHAFT was in the old box!

Well, I hope NYM likes it, because I didn't. I thought the old SHAFT was the best!

Leave Well Enough Alone!

2006-12-08T10:03:00.000-08:00

I’m the kinda guy that believes that what you don’t know won’t hurt you. I can’t understand why anyone would purposely go out looking for something to bother them. Isn’t life difficult enough without having to look for problems?

Think about it.

Lets say for 25 years you’ve been enjoying Jell-O. You eat it at every meal. You stuff turkey with it.

You belong to the Kraft Jell-O fan club. You take baths in Jell-O. You know every flavor they have:

Strawberry
Raspberry
Orange
Cherry
Black-Cherry
Tropical Fruit Punch
Lemon
Orange-Strawberry-Banana
Peach
Watermelon
Strawberry-Kiwi
Tropical Berry
Lemon-Lime

Then one day you decide “Hmmm, I wonder if eating Jell-O at every meal is good for you, and I wonder what Jell-O is made from?”

So, like an idiot, you look it up and you find out that the ingredients are:

sugar, gelatin, adipic acid (for tartness), less than 2% of artificial flavor, disodium phosphate and sodium citrate (to control acidity), fumaric acid (for tartness), and the colorant red 40.

And you look further to find that gelatin is basically processed collagen, which is a structural protein in animals' connective tissue, skin, and bones.

Which translates to: pork skin, cattle bones, and cattle hide are the predominant raw materials used to make gelatin.

This newfound knowledge destroys you. Your mother taught you from an early age that you shouldn’t eat pork skin, cattle bones, and cattle hide because it would ruin your complexion. You stop abruptly and become disenchanted with life. You’re work performance suffers. You quit your bowling league. You start gaining weight from all of the chocolate you’ve consumed in an attempt to adjust. And finally you end up a drunk. Sleeping in the gutters and wetting yourself.

You couldn’t leave well enough alone, could you?

How to recognize when you may have pent-up anger at a co-worker.

2006-12-08T09:08:00.000-08:00

You break out in a cold sweat when you hear their name mentioned.
You want to spit on them as you pass them in the halls.
Whenever you see the offensive person you mutter a vulgarity under your breath.
When they sneeze, you respond with “I hope you die” instead of “God bless you”.
You wonder if rat poison can be tasted.
You mention them right after “I’ve had impure thought of manslaughter” to your priest in confession.
You save your lunch money for Guido and the boys to do a quick pop.
If you look at them, their face contorts into a hideous disgusting sea creature that bursts out of a pregnant woman’s abdomen.
You blame them for your psychoanalysis charges.
Whenever you hear their voice you Google “Vocal Cord Removal”

Free MinusculeBibbles Give-a-way!

2006-12-06T18:40:00.000-08:00

I'm almost too excited to tell everyone this. I am going to give-a-way a free classic movie in VHS format! No, this is not a joke, and family members are not allowed to participate (sorry). But everyone else is.

Here's the rules:

1. Only 1 entry per person per day.
2. First winner gets the prize.
3. Prize will be mailed via USPS mail. (Address will not be published - You can trust me, ask NYM, Roger, WDKY, or KimmyK who all participated in last years radio project without one incident of stalking, mailbombs, or eggs thrown at their windows)
4. Movie will not be announced until the end of the contest. (clue - The movie has been mentioned before on this very blog)

Here's the game:

Guess what number I'm thinking of from 1 - 12.

(I would make it higher, but I only have 4 readers)

Good Luck and GO!

MinusculePortrait

2006-12-06T08:43:00.000-08:00

As Christmas is approaching, it brings up memories of the family portrait. I don’t like getting my picture taken professionally, but it’s even worse when you have to get all the kids ready when they are putting up a fuss.

When your family is still young, it’s easy to grab your only kid, throw some nice clothes on it, stuff him/her into a car seat and drive to the local portrait studio. The photographer always has some kind of stuffed animal that they shove in the kids’ face that either makes him laugh or cry. Then they take you into the back room, show you some proofs of the ideal family and try to sell you 36” by 112” parlor wood-framed portraits for 600 bucks. Most of us only go through this only once.

Then the following year you throw the two kids into the car, one of the kids inevitably has some type of spit-up on her clothes and you rush to the local mall for a JCPenny special offer for $30. The line starts at the front of the store and lines through the womens underwear section and eventually ends up at some high-school punk who hates kids and especially hates taken pictures of them. Two or three hours later, you’re back home watching the Wiggles.

Then after skipping a few years, you decide that you should get another portrait package because the last kid you had doesn’t have any photographic proof that they exist. So you pick up the kids after school and drive them to Wal*Mart and have your husband meet you there after work. The lines are shorter at Wal*Mart because it’s the day before the welfare checks come out. The photographer is some old geezer that they dug up for the holiday season and he sets everyone up behind some faded Christmas tree backdrop.

Then your husband comes in. You motion for him to come over and the photographer looks annoyed.

“Uhhmm, Am I too late to get in the picture?”

The old guy couldn’t care less.

“Yeah, you can be in it too.” He says as he sticks the husband in the back and gives him a smelly stained matted stuffed bear to hold. He quickly snaps off two pictures, then tells you to show up next week to pick them up. When you finally pick them up after Christmas, you notice that one kid is looking at the ceiling and the other is picking her nose.

You send them to your relatives anyways.

Bleeding Eyes - Part two

2006-12-04T16:01:00.000-08:00

To finish the day off just perfectly..... I was trying to kill 5 minutes at work and stumbled upon this blog. I couldn't close the browser fast enough. I hope nobody saw me looking at it. I don't want to ruin my image as a homophobe.

Bleeding eyes

2006-12-04T11:47:00.000-08:00

I’ve seen a few things today that have left my eyes bleeding;

I saw an old man unloading a truck with his fly down.

I saw a tall skinny guy with a see-through t-shirt showing his pink skin and patchy hairy chest.

I saw a food service person sneeze into their hand wipe it on his pants and continue to work.

I saw a Platinum Blond Native American.

And to think that it’s not even lunch yet.

Sorry, just one more - really

2006-12-03T18:54:00.000-08:00

I love this one too

One last one for Christmas

2006-12-03T18:47:00.000-08:00

Who else would you expect?

Songs to get you in the Christmas Mood - part 4

2006-12-03T18:45:00.000-08:00

You gotta love this one

Songs to get you in the Christmas Mood - part 3

2006-12-03T18:43:00.000-08:00

I sing this one in the Shower

Songs to get you in the Christmas Mood - part 2

2006-12-03T18:33:00.000-08:00

Nukie's Favorite Christmas Song for those cold nights

Songs to get you in the Christmas Mood - part 1

2006-12-03T18:23:00.000-08:00

Christmas Song #1

The Day Nukie (almost) was made Famous

2006-12-02T09:21:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid I used to watch a lot of TV and I used to think about writing TV scripts. I wrote one for The Addams Family and One for The Lucy Show. I didn’t send either of these in though. Then when I turned 11 or 12 I got into watching Monty Pythons Flying Circus. I wrote a sketch that I did end up sending in. It went something like this:

The Egg Farmer

(old English Man and Woman are sitting at the breakfast table, the Man has a plate in front of him and is chewing food)

Man – Mmmmmm, Love these agg’s Luv. Brilliant! Best I ever ‘ad

Woman (Actually a man dressed up as a Woman using a screechy womans voice): Ow! Do ya now? I never ‘ad aggs meself.

Man – (Surprised) Weel now, ya should try them. The’re lovely.

Woman – Ow, owkay. (Crunch…Crunch….Crunch) Bit h’ard are they?

Man – Do’ent eet the bloody shell Mum! You gotta crack it!

Woman (shreeks) Owwwww……. (Slurp….Slurp…..Slurp) It don’t taste much like Ch’ken now does it?

Man – Weel, nooo. It aint Ch’ken it’s an non-born ch'ick now is’nt it?

Woman Owwwww…..Is that why it's so slimy?

I think the skit went on for a little while longer and was full of belly laughs, so I was proud to send it in to Graham Chapman for review. Well, it seems that the old guy had an incredible sense of humor that I didn’t realize until years later.

I got a letter back with my letter enclosed. My script was all marked up with large scratches of black marker through most of the words. There was also other words put in place of them, for instance the title “The Egg Farmer” was replaced with “A Dockworker Eating Pumpernickel Bread” and there were only a few words of my original script left. Then there was a note taped to the front of the page that stated something like this:

“Thank you for your script submission, I took liberty to change things around a bit to make it more suitable to the program. Our usual compensation for a script of this type is ten pounds, however since only a small percentage of your work was actually used, please find enclosed 4 pence.”

I didn’t understand the humor when I first got this, and now I feel bad that upon receiving the coins - I filed the sides down so they could be used as quarter slugs.

Age

2006-11-30T08:43:00.000-08:00

I used to piss like a racehorse in the men’s room.

Now I race to the men’s room to piss.

I Need Some New Material

2006-11-29T06:32:00.000-08:00

There, I’ve said it. And I beat all of my loyal readers to the punch by saying it first. Sure, you thought it, but I said it first. I admit that I’ve thought about stealing other bloggers material and posting it as my own, but I don’t want to blow my book deal.

Can you imagine if my multi-million dollar book deal is taken away because in a moment of desperation I posted this?

It wouldn’t work anyways. These guys don’t have it. They’re hacks. They’re Nukie Wannabes.

Nukie Sucks at Answering Questions

Okay, I admit this too, but unfortunately one of my readers was savvy enough to pick up on it and comment. I’m not making excuses, but It does take a lot of time to answer questions and it is sometimes tricky to answer them and still remain anonymous. But I also understand that Blogging is a two way street and if you ignore your readers they will leave.

So because I’m out of new material, I’ll answer some of the past questions that my loyal readers have asked.

So tell us, what views does Mrs. Nukie have on this subject?

She thinks I have a pencil dick too, but at least it’s one of those big Souvenir Pencils they sell at Niagara Falls.

She's obsessed with consolidating food?

No. My mother does not have obsessive tendencies, but somewhere along the line the years of making food for her family has created some permanent damage.

What's up with Hammy girl???

No Comment

How good things use to be...when? Did you smoke pot?

What is this? An inquest! This is why I don’t answer questions.

Are you serious? I want to hear ghost stories Nukie.

Yes, In fact I got an e-mail from a buddy in the UK that I told the story to. This is what he wrote to me:

i shared the story of the abbey hotel tewkesbury to a friend , no names .
they said that they knew of a number of other examples of these experiences with other visitors ...... spooky ?